WOUNDED PILGRIMS

[Joe Sperling]

Mark----

You said:

Does this sound crazy to anyone?  How can I regain a kind of inner strength that demonstrates a confident, and joyful expression that springs from my relationship with God?  What are "the cords of human kindness" that can heal and recover my soul?

  I'm not sure (though I have some ideas), but I think it will be a happy topic to consider and hopefully a great blessing

 One thing that has greatly helped me, and
continues to help me (I so easily fall into self- condemnation and will readily admit that ) is to concen-
trate and meditate upon the multitude of verses the Lord has given us in His Word concerning
His great compassion and mercy. Our enemy wants to separate us from the love of God--and though he cannot do this doctrinally, he sure can do it with out emotions. He can fool us, as he fooled Adam & Eve into thinking God is other than whom He really is. He used the teachings in the Assembly to do this also--to set up a wall between many believers and the Lord's true character by manipulating it---turning God into a Moses/Jesus hybrid who is exacting and legalistic. But the true God is represented in the verse below, as in countless others throughout the Bible, and we need to meditate and always remember these verses:

13 Rend your heart
       and not your garments.
       Return to the LORD your God,
       for he is gracious and compassionate,
       slow to anger and abounding in love,
       and he relents from sending calamity. (Joel 2:13)

As we see verses such as these we realize how far off our conception of the Lord has become from whom He really is---and we can stray so easily in our hearts.  But the Lord knows that, and has told us over and over again throughout the scriptures just how caring, loving, and "ready to forgive" He is!

[Mark C.]

Wonderful thoughts Joe!

  Your contrast between "theological facts" re. God's sure love and salvation vs. how we react emotionally is exactly what I'm trying to get at here with this topic. 

   Without a good grasp of the facts re. our assurance of salvation we will have no foundation for navigating our way through life.  However, "reactions" within our hearts seem to take a direction that is opposed to those facts.  For many of us we have learned habitual responses that take on a reflexive character that were formed in our former group.

  Why is this?   We like to think that we are much more rational creatures than we really are and base our life on clear headed reason.  Whether we like it or not our cognitive processes are influenced strongly by how we feel about things.

  Here's an example of what I mean:  I worked with a guy who hated black people.  My discussions with him in an effort to bring him to reason were ineffective.  The gist of my argument was that he most surely had met African Americans who were good people, and if this were true, hatred of an entire racial group was unreasonable.  He agreed that he had met "some good black people", but this wouldn't budge him from his racist bias.

   In later discussions I came to find out the source of his prejudice; he grew up in a neighborhood dominated by black families and almost daily was beat-up (his words and probably was an exaggeration) on his way to and from school.

  In the context of an abusive religious environment, where we might have been "almost daily beat-up" by submission to the domination of the Assembly culture lest we lose our chance for eternal life, a similar kind of prejudice to the example above here demonstrates how it can block reasonable thinking.

  Concentration on attempts to train our thinking to focus on the truth of the Gospel of grace is of course important, but if the connection between good thinking and my negatively triggered emotional reactions are not made we will not have the inner peace that God wants us to experience.

  An example of this "triggering" would be how we now react to "being corrected" when we fail to perform up to the level that is expected of us----- this failure could be on a moral/spiritual level or just in performing daily tasks.

  In my own life, I am very sensitive to being corrected and can react in a very defensive manner.

 Here is how the defensive reaction goes: hurt feelings, denial, attacking one pointing out my deficiency, feeling guilty for giving into the prior reactions, a residual feeling of worthlessness at failing "yet again", and finally a generally depressed state of mind.

  Now, if the theology of grace were in control I would have no problem with being corrected because I would understand that I'm just a needy sinner who will make mistakes everyday.  So, somehow I need to be able to apply the truth of grace to my present life situations.

  Remember the "cords" of human kindness that God speaks of in Hosea?  These cords are connections between God and our own life which might help to break the cycle of reactions I described above and create new ones.  Why new ones?  because I don't think God wants us to quash our emotions via mental discipline and instead is wanting to bring healing and liberty to our emotional lives---- yes, God wants us to learn to feel good about ourselves even in our deepest need!

  This is not pop-psychology, but good sound biblical truth and one for which I will try and make a case in continuing posts.  Feel free to offer dissent, etc. and I will try not to react to strongly  .

                                                 God Bless,  Mark C. 

     

 

[Joe Sperling]

Mark---

I deleted an earlier post but wanted to share a few thoughts. Regarding your post below, I really do believe that many that come out of severely legalistic churches have developed a type of "phobic response" to
the Bible, meetings, church, etc.  They go to open the Bible and "feel" it will condemn them, or that attending church will be a "judgmental" experience, etc.  These are "learned responses" that mainly come from the fear associated with the legalistic teaching. As I mentioned in the post I deleted, the thought patterns are kind of like the grooves in one of those old vinyl records, and one can fall into that "learned" type of negative thinking, and play the same old song over and over again.

You stated: "In my own life, I am very sensitive to being corrected and can react in a very defensive manner. " When you analyze that you can see that your reaction is most likely based on an irrational belief--though the feelings definitely come from a REAL experience. The irrational belief is that you will be judged unfairly, and be criticized, and that your defense will be "shot down" by those who do not want to hear. This most likely came from the many encounters with the "leading brother attitude" which took no thought for your feelings in any matter, and relegated the importance of what you had to say or think as meaningless. So, when confronted with this same type of setting in society, your "learned response" is fear, anxiety, and a very defensive posture. At least, this is my take on that kind of reaction to criticism--I'm no psychologist 

Most "phobias" are dealt with by facing them. Ex: being afraid of spiders--one forces themselves to hold a spider and see that they are not ALL dangerous, and most are rather harmless creatures.
In many ways the ex-cultic church member has to eventually "face their fears" and realize that they are based on irrational beliefs--on teaching that scared the living daylights out of them, all based on a God who is not really the God of the Bible at all!!  By "facing the fear", and opening up the Bible anyway, and seeing what it REALLY teaches, slowly but surely one begins to see the deception one has believed.   Facing the fear of attending "church" and seeing that what they teach there is so much more comforting, and so far different than the legalistic heresy they once learned, they grasp how out of line the group they were once in was---and so far from what Christ really wants for his people.  This healing does not come overnight for most, but takes a continued "practice" (if I can use that word) of repeating what is REAL and what is TRUE in place of the tendency to believe and dwell on what is unreal and false.

But the most important thing of all is to come to the true God in prayer. Many who come out of such legalistic situations are literally "afraid of God" and afraid to even tell Him how they feel. They think He beholds them as failures, and they literally(in my opinion) have a "phobia" towards God himself! So, drawing near to a God whom you think has given up on you or is judging you is very tough. The Lord says "Humble yourselves under the Mighty Hand of God, and He will exalt you in due time. Cast ALL YOUR CARES upon Him, because He cares for you."(1 Pet. 5:7)

Getting on your knees and pouring out everything to the Lord is the first step (again in my opinion) towards real healing. Are you afraid of the Lord? Tell Him about it. Are you angry at the Lord?  Tell  Him you are. Do you distrust the Lord? Tell him you do, and ask Him to help you to trust again. Do you feel like a total failure? Tell the Lord about it. Are you even afraid, or think it's worthless, to tell the Lord  you don't even feel like telling Him about anything? Tell the Lord you feel that way    Because (again in my opinion), the greatest piece of misinformation we all learn in a legalistic atmosphere, is that God is aloof and judgmental towards us, and that we somehow need to "earn" his favor to keep his love. The more we go to the Lord and tell Him EVERYTHING (absloutely everything!!!) the more we learn just how very much He truly loves us and cares for us. "Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief" is a valid prayer, and one that Jesus wants to hear. How often we think the Lord is somehow unwilling to help, or that you have to "do something" to "earn" his help or love. And it is so unbiblical. The God of the Bible is a God who is so willing to help and heal us!! He loves us deeply, longs to heal us and embrace us as dear children, and is always thinking of us!!


12While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean."
 13Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" And immediately the leprosy left him. (Luke 5:12)

[Mark C.]

Thanks Joe!

  Your post provides keen insights indeed! (For those interested in considering this topic more fully please go to the Reflections site where Joe's post is presented.  Also, Margaret has linked her comments re. this on the whole issue of "phobias" via a review of a book she read on this topic-- very, very good!)

  I understand that you are not a psychologist, and I'm not trying to be one either here in these posts.  One thing we both are, however, are those who lived through an abusive church experience who have managed to hold onto our trust in Christ.  This uniquely enables us to do here what human science cannot be expected to do:  build up one another in our faith.

  You quoted the passage in your last post where Jesus healed the leper, and ultimately the only lasting solution for those hurt by groups like the Assembly will be discovered, as you suggest, in knowing Him and experiencing his touch in our souls.

  There are those who think all psychology is just a worldly attempt to bring healing to the soul/mind and that only Jesus can bring healing to the human psyche.  All the lepers in the Gospels were not miraculously healed by Jesus, and some of them carried their illness with them all their lives.  Likewise, all our prayers for healing for our damaged inner lives may seem to go unanswered. 

  So, there is nothing "worldly" or "devilish" about going to a M.D. for a physical illness, even though I have brought it to God in prayer, the same goes for seeking psychological help.  The more practical suggestions you provided for dealing with my unreasonable fears and negative habits are not opposed to "spiritual" solutions and I think God expects us to involve ourselves in applying common sense attitudes and behaviors (discipline) that are supportive of a healthy inner life---- vs. just waiting for God to miraculously remove my fearful inner inclinations.  As you stated--- we must face these fears.

  However, my endeavor here with my consideration of Hosea deals with something deeper than just negative habits, or things that can be ministered to via the exercise of certain disciplines---- as important as these can be.  Relationship with the living God is, at it's most basic level, not a result of my diligent attempts to discipline my mind or face my phobias---- or any other effort on my part.  Also, my own inner strength is not determined by my personal dedication to prayer, bible reading, or church going.

  What part does God play in my own spirituality?  In Hosea God's plan was to recover his children via his own actions that were not dependant on the abilities of the seemingly hopelessly lost Israelites.  I think we need to face our own recovery with some basic assumptions (faith) re. where all our true hope really lies---- and this is with God--- not in ourselves or by our own means!     

  The communication of that very real hope in God is based in the reality of his love for us. To make this more than just a slogan we have to ask ourselves what it means that he loves me--- in other words, we have to make our consideration very personal and practical.  I may be stretching the meaning of the phrase, "cords of human kindness", here--- but, a cord here is a means of connection between the needy Israelites and their God.

  Christians throughout history have recognized that having a "devotional" life with God through prayer and thinking about what the bible says to make that above connection---- especially through reading passages like the Psalms that address emotional needs.

 This "devotional" area of my life has been the most difficult for me to restore and in subsequent posts I would like to explain what I mean here.  The Assembly taught an erroneous view of God and our relationship with Him.  Consequently, this damaged an essential link in our lives between God and our souls.  Learning to think about God differently as we approach him in such a subjective manner via the cry of our hearts' can be very difficult for many of us who have been subject to the kind of "spiritual" manipulation that we experienced.

                                                                       God bless,  Mark C.     

[Joe Sperling]

However, my endeavor here with my consideration of Hosea deals with something deeper than just negative habits, or things that can be ministered to via the exercise of certain disciplines---- as important as these can be.  Relationship with the living God is, at it's most basic level, not a result of my diligent attempts to discipline my mind or face my phobias---- or any other effort on my part.  Also, my own inner strength is not determined by my personal dedication to prayer, bible reading, or church going.

"Not a result of my diligent attempts to discipline my mind or face my phobias---or any other effort
on my part"??  "Not determined by personal dedication to prayer??" Huh??   So, Mark, what are you trying to say?? Are you trying to say that something like the "Cycle of Devotion" or "Selfer's Prayer" won't bring me closer to God?? Are you trying to tell me that all of the hours I've put into that self-discpline are not accomplishing anything?? Just where do you get off saying something like that??!!  I don't think you realize just how humble I've become doing that daily prayer, and how much more spiritual I've become as a result. I hope one day you'll be able to see some of the blessed things I've seen in the Word through this practice of daily discipline in prayer and study. I pray that one day the Lord will reveal to you what he has revealed to me. I can't help it if you're lazy and not willing to put in the time and effort required to become truly spiritual. I'll be praying for you brother, that the Lord give you greater wisdom and insight, that you might be able to walk on a higher plane, and truly experience all that the Lord has for you---that you might shake off that laziness and get more commited to spiritual things. 

Of course, all joking aside,  all I was actually saying is that we need to come to the Lord, and pour our hearts out to him. We, through discipline or diligence, cannot heal our own broken hearts. I agree. Only the Lord can do that through his Grace and healing power. But at the same time, if we continually turn away, and don't "face" what is keeping us from coming to the Lord Jesus, we can remain in that state for quite a long time.
As we open the Bible and see who God REALLY is, our faith and love for Him will return, and we will see that He has ALWAYS been there with arms wide open.  He didn't shut any doors on us---we in effect shut the door on ourselves by believing false teaching. I do not mean any doors have literally been shut--but by believing that God has shut a door, we can in effect shut a door of communication between ourselves and the Lord. Our fear will cause us to turn away, rather than turn towards the Lord. And this is a deception we need to toss aside, and truly believe the Word of God.  Of course, I am coming from my own past experience, and realize every case is different.

I really do look forward to seeing your further posts regarding the Book of Hosea, and a further explanation of where you are coming from. As always, thanks for your thoughts.

[Joe Sperling]

By the way, here is an interesting site that deals with legalism and escape from
legalistic churches:

http://www.batteredsheep.com/about.html

Check out this article if you get a chance---go to the "articles" tab, and then click on the article:
"How can I discern whether I'm in a healthy or abusive fellowship?" (under "Legalism and Spiritual Abuse")-- 

Also, read the article "What language does your church speak?"(under the same heading of 'Legalism and Spiritual Abuse'). Check out definition of: "Don't be bitter"---interesting.

Also read the definition of "A family matter"---good example of what happened in the Assy(the "cover-up" so to speak), and the exposure of which helped lead to it's/George's downfall.   --JS

[Mark C.]

 Thanks Joe!

  Great site! (batteredsheep)  It is truly amazing that there can be so many different groups and yet they all seem to use the same means in controlling and abusing members, so much so, that we can readily identify them from our own Assm. past.  Though a single pastor/leader may be in charge their practices begin to infect the entire group where every member learns their place--- the abuser and the abused!

  What I've been seeing in Hosea that has so startled me (though for others this may not have been an issue) is that God is humane in his treatment of us.  It probably was due to reading the NIV translation that uses the phrase, "cords of human kindness," that my attention became piqued.

            (btw, for those having trouble with reading their bibles: you may try reading a different version, or even one of those amplified versions, as the text will have a different look and feel that you don't associate with the previous twistings that you learned in the group.)

  The phrase "God is love" fills the bible and was used often in the Assembly.  We also considered often the facts of our salvation through grace alone; and of course we had free access to our bibles where we could discover these truths for ourselves. 

  Without going into a long explanation how this is subtlety done (I think most of us understand this now), many of us are trying to recover from that damage.  I have tried to make the case here that not only do we need to learn the correct teaching on God's love and grace, we also need to learn to align our heart with these truths.

  God has created us to desire the eternal, and this makes us spiritual beings.  Desire is a human emotion, and was the moving fact in my crying out to God when I was saved.  We can't shut these human feelings down and just have a purely intellectual connection to God.

  I came into the Assm. with these strong heartfelt desires and had them taken advantage of by false shepherds.  The analogies of sheep and children that the NT uses is a good one because it aptly describes those not able to take care of themselves to well.  In the kind of emotional state new believers are in, where they are very much alive to the idea of pursuing God, we become easy marks.

  I say all this to make the point that once we've been burned this way we may feel much safer (especially in a religious environment) to just shut off all of those feelings we used to have about God.  We can try to just make our Christian life totally intellectual and ignore the hunger for the eternal, or worse yet, associate any such feelings as being part of the Assembly fraudulent mysticism we participated in.

  I will readily recognize that there are some very wrong ways that we can get caught up in our emotions (I'm speaking in a religious context here) and without clear biblical thinking we can get into trouble.  However, fear of such dangers shouldn't keep us from having a healthy emotional connection to God.

  Restoring my own "devotional" life has been difficult.  For the longest time I read only commentaries, for when I read the bible by itself I would only hear GG's blaring condemnations.  However, just learning the correct thinking about God's love and grace didn't necessarily make it to my heart where I could experience the joy and peace of those facts.

  The reason for this, I believe, was that "devotions" (or having an emotional connection with God) in the Assm. was a product of a "discipline."  One had to work hard to earn a truly meaningful experience with God in the group (sorry Joe for attacking your selfer's prayer practice  ). 

  In Hosea we see a God who just wants us to come to Him and share a living bond that He describes in familial terms (He uses the analogy of the husband wife relationship and of a son).  God is not afraid to frame his speech with a whole lot of emotion that makes Him appear as vulnerable as a jilted lover!

  How has this helped me?
 
 1.) This understanding above totally shuts down the inhumane kind of love that the Assm. taught and practiced and makes God very accessible both in my thinking and in my inner life.  I feel very free to just turn my self God's way knowing that he cares deeply for me.

 2.) I don't "work" at this relationship any more.   I used to hate when we were told, "you need to work" on your marriage relationsip, etc.  Talk about taking the joy out of a relationship!  How about just enjoying your relationship and trying to make the other one happy?   I belong to God and He belongs to me and nothing can change that fact!

  Both of these above describe the attachments of cords that connect us in a more organic way.  Family relationships are not maintained via the constant efforts of fearful domination by a husband/father that won't allow for any affection and are filled only with demands for certain behaviors.  Eph. 5 describes a marriage relationship as based in loving care and a response of appreciation to that love.

  I can sit on the porch in the morning with a cup of coffee (without an open bible) and have a devotional moment that fills my heart with peace and joy!  That relationship with God is mine without any disciplined effort of mine, nor is it taken away because I feel the weight of my own inadequacy to have such a relationship with him.  I'm not saying you can't read the bible, it's just that turning "spiritual" disciplines into a means to earn intimacy with God will only deaden the enjoyment of that experience.

                                                 God Bless,  Mark C. 

 

   

   

[Mark C.]

         
                CONTINUED THOUGHTS ON THE 'CORDS OF HUMAN KINDNESS'.

               (I thought I better give this topic a title so that it might be easier to follow.)

  In the previous post I concluded that "I don't work anymore" in regards to having devotions.  I rather expected to receive some objections to this as there are many bible verses that do urge us to work.  We are told to "do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth"--- 2 Tim. 2:15.  This passage, along with many others, urges believers to achieve certain ethical and spiritual goals.

  What I am learning is that we need to make a distinction between what binds us emotionally to God and the arena of productive ministry in service to God.  The Assm. mixed these two together where the means of being bonded to God was via our ability to successfully achieve (overcome) through a disciplined inner and outer life.

  How are we to understand the relationship between our personal devotion and the commands to be active in our obedience (as in to "walk worthy, study the scriptures, love one another, etc.)?

  I think the parable of The Prodigal Son provides a great deal of illumination re. this.  This parable has to do with the relationship between a Father and Son.  As in Hosea, the issue is a broken emotional bond in a familial relationship (in Hosea the allegory is mostly husband and wife).  The bond in this relationship is one of affection, vs. one where the ability is shown to be a productive/successful producer. (the relationship is not one of a 'workman/servant/steward/etc.)

  The other son in the above parable was upset because the rebel son was received back so freely and figured that he had earned, due to his faithfulness, his acceptance and the father's affection because of this.

  God's deep and free affection for us is the basis for our emotional bonding and is the only means whereby we can enjoy intimacy with God.    Hence, our devotional life must take on that same character of simplicity and be free from any kind of self consciousness at all---- in other words, we can't earn God's love via how successful we are in mastering our inner lives, studying our bibles, effectively ministering, etc.

  It has been said that in human parental relationships emotional bonding between child and parent is very important for the healthy psychological development of the child.  This is achieved via the unconditional love for that child from the parent and provides a connection (cord) that merely a master-disciple  relationship can't.

  God the Father looks down on us with great loving desire (as in Hosea where he longs to be near and share intimacy with Israel) and that desire is not based on what we can do for him, how much we can achieve, our record of discipline, or even how much affection for God we can work up within ourselves!  As I said above, our relationship with Him should tend toward a lack of any self consciousness at all.

  Making our devotional life based on a disciplined kind of seeking of God tends to make one very self conscious.  This is because it is focused on the means of my approach vs. the fact of my free access to a Father who is delighted to have me as His child--- even when I have failed miserably (as did the Prodigal).

  Our work ethic should be understood as a result of our secure relationship to God vs. the means for that relationship.  However, once the very satisfying bonding between the Lord and his child is experienced it is amazing how much of God's loving energy toward others is communicated to that believer.

  Understanding this has taken a great amount of pressure off of me and has brought me a great deal of peace and joy.  The distorted Assembly view of God, where He stood over us with a judgmental spirit with his hand drawn back ready to give us the back of it for our failures, needs to be replaced with the loving Father of the Prodigal who received his Son with a kiss and threw a party for him! 

                                                    God bless,  Mark C. 

[Mark C.]

                               THE CORDS OF HUMAN KINDNESS---- CONTINUED

   This phrase above, "the cords of human kindness", as I have been discussing here, talks about how God intends to recover the hearts' of his children.  God's interest is in winning over the affections of those, like the Prodigal in the last post, who have left him.

  I have been relating these verses to the recovery of our devotional lives that were hurt due to our past acceptance of the false notion that intimacy with God is earned via our own abilities to merit it.

 Trying to earn God's love for us can be hidden behind what sounds like very "holy" language and methods.  These types of backdoor means are attempts to bring merit based practices into our "devotional" lives.  In the last post I suggested that we need to see this differently and not "work" at gaining intimacy with God.  We are His children and He is our Father, and that relationship can never be severed because it is totally based on God's effort on our behalf!

 So, most of us probably understand this intellectually now, the issue for me (and I imagine others) is how do I experience the joy, peace, and inner strength my relationship with this loving God is supposed to provide?  God is not physically present where I can have a normal kind of human relationship, and how can one have an affectionate relationship with someone who is not present?

 The typical answers would include the truth that we have the Word of God and the Spirit of God.  These are truly blessed resources that allow for personal communication between Heaven and an individual.  How do these communications work?  How many times have we heard someone suggesting that in their AM time "God told them" something specific re. their own personal life?  Is devotional life based on an ability to kind of tune-in subjectively to inner promptings that give us "the true meaning" for a particular bible verse we may be reading that morning?  If our ability to "tune-in" is not working very well on a given day does that mean there is something wrong between me and God?

  The truth of our sure relationship with God is not subject to the ability to "tune-in" as I described above.  Not that God cannot give us personal insights re. particular bible verses, but this should never be the means to assure ourselves that God cares about us.  We will have times where it seems we are walking in "the valley of shadow of death," where God appears to be very absent and "is not talking to us." However we, like David, need "fear not evil, for you are with me----."

  Okay, so how should I go about "having devotions" if the experiences involved in such a discipline are not to be trusted.  If I can't better my relationship with God (since God has made it sure by His efforts) why bother to do anything?!  How can I have the feelings of closeness with God, hearing his voice, etc. if there is not a guaranteed method for attaining these experiences?

  For former Assm. members having trouble with this I would recommend changing the whole way that you approach devotions.

1.) You don't have to have a devotion time to please God.  If your reaction to this is one of being shocked, it shows that you are still on the hamster wheel of emotional dependence found in earning God's favor.  We please God by trusting in his love---- end of story!

  2.) Alter the circumstances that you previously spent at devotions.   You don't have to be on your knees with an open bible in the AM (driving in a car in the PM is okay). 

  3.) Change the perspective of your devotions.  We can get so caught up in the means that we can forget what we are actually involved with in a quiet time with God.

   This last point is what I would like to more fully develop, as I think this gets to the meat of the issue.  It will take another post to explain this, but I will just say at this point that intimacy with God involves the ability to reflect (meditate).  One could say that this is what we were doing in our traditional AM times while reading the bible and praying, and to a certain extent that certainly was true, but if we are having problems now in how we feel about all this it might be a good idea to think further on the topic.

                                                                                God Bless,  Mark C. 

 

         

 

[Mark C.]

                            THE CORDS OF HUMAN KINDNESS----- CONT.

  I apologize for taking so long to get back to this thread, but what with fires and all the activity on another topic it has been hard to get back here--- and this subject is the kind of thing I much prefer to talk about.  Please feel free to interrupt my chatter here with any observations you wish to make.  These posts are more the musings of a fellow former member vs. "expert" advice and I share them as things that I have found helpful for me in my life with God.

  I ended the last post with the promise to write a bit more about "perspective" in regards to our devotional life.  When I use the phrase, "devotional", I am referring to how one feels about their life with God.  A believer can know certain things about theological truth, such as God is love, yet feel very distant from God in their day-to-day experience.

  As well taught believers we know that we are not to "follow our feelings" but to stand firm on the ground of God's truth.  What then shall we do with our inner life?  We can try to "put to death" all those inner rumblings that long to be satisfied and live the life of a stoic.  Good luck in trying to deny your own basic human emotional needs, as the most disciplined person in the world could never achieve such a goal.

  And, quite to the contrary, as God wants us to experience, "love, joy, peace", as part of our inheritance in Christ!   Emotions are part of our redeemed humanity that need to find healthy expression and devotions are meant to minister to that very fact.

  It would be very logical to think then that the means to this healthy experience is the disciplined action of having "devotions."  This puts the focus on my activity vs. the one I'm supposed to be looking to in prayer and bible reading. 

  Here's the different kind of perspective I want you to think about:  My Christian life finds all of it's source and strength in who God is and how he really sees me now---- to the degree that I accept and embrace these facts is the degree that I will enjoy God himself.  For sure, we must know these facts intellectually first, but God intends our inner life to follow this knowledge too.

  There is a place for confession of sin, and repentance---- but, and if, our entire devotional life is taken up with how much we fall short (and boy do we ever, and on a daily basis!) we fall into the "cycle of devotion" that is preoccupied with my inner poverty.  The Prodigal son came back to his father with the down cast confessions of a moral failure, but the father did all he could to bring his son to the assurance of his great love for him!   

  This is the perspective we can practice by bringing our minds continually back to the hopeful and confident fact of a very forgiving, accepting, and affectionate Father and allowing it to sink in all the way to our toes!   "Delight in the Lord" is a truth that is enjoyed because God is indeed delightful and spending time with him is meant to be very enjoyable for us!!!   

                                                                 God Bless,  Mark C.

[Mark C.]

                                  THE CORDS OF HUMAN KINDNESS---- CONT.

  Much less than even loving God do you even like Him?  I know, I know---- the official answer will be, "of course I love God."  But, aside from the official response--- how do you really feel?

  I can imagine a response to the above paragraph to be: "We are not to let our feelings, which swing willy-nillie, control our commitment to love God.  It is like a marriage relationship where our moods shift but our commitments hold us in faithfulness to our vows."

  A very reasonable response too, as basing our relationships on our ability to generate "loving feelings" can fall flat---- especially over the long run.  However, when I ask "how do you really feel?" I'm not talking about what kind of mood you're in, or can generate, but what is your natural response when you think of God.

  In other words, do you find that God is "delightful",---- or attractive?"  We may think of this word, "attractive" as often used in a rather shallow manner, but the word signifies the power to draw our attention--- and this can find application in a profound usage as well.  Remember the Hosea verse this topic is based on--- "Cords", which refer not to God tying us up with ropes, but drawing us close to himself via "human kindness".

  I don't know about you, but I am attracted to those that are "kind" to me and am repelled by those who are unkind.  These are natural emotional reactions that the most stoic person in the world cannot avoid having.  God, in the Hosea passage, seems to be saying that he is going to draw Israel close via making those estranged from him feel very comfortable with approaching him.  God is not only removing the obstacle of their sins against him via his forgiveness and mercy, he is fully embracing them as the Father in the Prodigal Son parable did!

  God is continually "kind" in regard to his thoughts toward us----- even when we mess up really bad!  The essence of his kindness toward us is found in his true loving intentions that always want to "build" us up, vs. tearing us down.  How much time do you desire to spend with someone who points out all your faults vs. someone who fills you with hope re. your potential?  I think this is the key to "quality" devotional time, vs. having "a cycle of devotion" time.

  How we really view God (in our inner life vs. just theologically) and allowing that view to control how we feel is the essence of devotion--- as the Psalmist says, "delight in the Lord", and the reason we can is that God is truly a delightful person---- and in a way as a "human" would describe another person as delightful; but with God that delightfullness is perfect, while with people we always fall short.

  Think of the friendliest, nicest, most kind, and most loving individual you know and God beats that by a very wide margin!  God wants to show us just how friendly he can be toward us---- he invites us to bare our souls to him, come to him when we fail, vent our feelings of despair, etc. without fear of rejection or correction.  We might come, as the Prodigal son, preoccupied with feelings of failure, but if this is the essence of our "time' we are ignoring God's eager forgiveness and loving acceptance of us.  God wants us to get on to the party, so to speak, where we have our enjoyable feast with him!

  We hunger for such a refuge for the soul, but many of us fear that God is more like our past Assm. experiences that rewarded us with wounds for giving our trust and making ourselves vulnerable in what we believed was a safe relationship.  Even post Assm., we fear to expose ourselves to getting hurt again, and thus our emotions remain withdrawn.  Even among former members they seem to lack compassion and as a result you fear to post on the BB--- as in: "I will sound foolish, not as polished as some, be ridiculed, etc." but we never need fear this when we come to God.

  God wants you to feel good, and that does not originate via my own disciplines or goodness, but flows from the fact that God is good himself.  Devotions should provide us with an opportunity to enjoy our God and what we have as His child---- indeed our whole life should be based in the knowledge of these very facts!  Our happiness as a result of this is a far greater value then all the self effacing "devotional" disciplines we learned in our former "higher life."  After all, God is joyful too!

                                             Merry Christmas,   Mark C.

 

   

[amycahill]

Dear Friends,

I feel so messed up because of my Assembly experience.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Major Depression, and I frequently have anxiety attacks and nightmares regarding my Assembly experience.  When will I be healed?  It's been two whole years, and I still feel angry and abused...any input?  I really need it!

Okay, here's my input, and you're not necessarily going to be happy with it, but hopefully it will help.

I turn 40 next year.  I was 22 when I came out of the Assembly.  That was a really long time ago, obviously!

I'm guessing I was really hosed by the whole Assembly thing for at least five years.  I have been roundly criticizing for converting back to Catholicism, but I'll tell you why I was drawn to it.  Here were all these Christian denominations, all teaching something different and all claiming to teach the "truth."  Well, they couldn't all be right!  And the Catholic Church had a 2000 year track record.

Eighteen years post-Assembly, I am currently attending church nowhere.  I'm still more Catholic than anything, but I'm so upset by stupid Christians (present company excepted, I am sure) I haven't found anybody I'm willing to associate with.  This came home to me when I was "persecuted," not for Christ, but because of some of the idiots following Him.  I am totally cool with God, though, and God, on His part, doesn't seem to have any issues with how things stand at the moment.  And His opinion is all I'm worried about right now. 

I also had major trust issues with God.  Those took at least a couple of years to iron out to this point.  I also threw all the crap in my life at Him once and said, "If You loved me unconditionally, why did You let all this crap happen to me???  What kind of loving God does that???"  The answer God gave me then was to go read Job.  Later, He told me He was sorry.  Not that He was claiming responsibility, because He wasn't, but that He loved me and therefore was sorry I suffered.  That was kind of a big moment when I got that clear in my head.

So...two years is no time at all.  And I was only in for 3 1/2 years!  I feel bad for not bringing you better news, but I also wanted to reassure you that there's nothing wrong with you, either.  *hugs*

Edited to add:  Oh, I see you posted this in 2002.  Late to the party as usual.  Hopefully things have gotten better in the last five years. 

[Mark C.]

Hi Everyone!

   It's been some time since I posted here, as it seems like I needed to take a little break.  Like any good ol' overly self conscious person I doubt the worth of my contribution from time to time.  Now, I don't say this as a means to fish for compliments, just as a kind of truth-in-advertisement method of trying to be honest with everyone.

  The whole idea of, "trying to find ones ministry," and of ,"exercising my gift", can be a misguided search for trying to find appreciation--- and yes even for wanting to be loved.  I've heard it said that you can't be a good leader or teacher if you are seeking to be admired by those you lead and teach.  So that begs the question:  how do you get the confidence to be the one who is leading and teaching?--- especially, when you already have a great many doubts about your own ability?

 I guess I could just be agnostic in my view of life---- after all, who knows anything for sure about anything?   How can I really be confident in something like the Gospel of the grace of God when it seems so many disagree about what it truly means?

 And, even if I am right about the Gospel I could spoil the whole thing by bungling my delivery of the message----- that certainly is evident in some of my conversations here where what I say seems to hinder more than help!    I'm not trying to make light of this, but in spite of my best efforts sometimes I seem to offend.  Most of the offense seems to come when I contrast Assembly teaching and practices vs. what I believe is the true Gospel.  Some don't agree with me that there was/is such a stark contrast between the two.

Self confidence is suppposed to be a sign of being a healthy person, but as a Christian I don't like the idea of being confident in myself---- somehow it doesn't sound right.  Now, I know that the Assembly message of self loathing isn't right either---- so, does God want us to be confident people in some kind of way? 

Don't tell me that the answer is to be confident in God, because I already know that God performs to perfection--- the problem is: can I know that I am in sync with God and am confident of that fact as I function in my life?   Maybe it would be better, if I'm not in sync with God, and so prone to human failure, to just be silent?

 No doubt there are those who might say "amen" to this.  Especially those who believe that "the BB has served it's purpose", and "it's time to move on", "all has been said that needs to be said re. The Assm. and the lessons to be learned from our past there".  Do you think that God is finished with ministering to former members of the group?  Do you think the problems found in the group do not continually find new places to grow afresh where whole new groups are formed around the same kinds of errors? Do you believe that the Assm. wasn't really that far away from God and that people like me are making a mountain out of a molehill?  Good questions to ask, for either I'm wasting my time, or some folks are really out of sync with God. 

 When I think about it, there are issues that I am pretty confident about and these seem to awaken me from my self introspection.  Some of these things I feel the need to say something about, and others make me downright outraged enough to strongly oppose.  Since this is getting a bit long, I will give a more detailed account as to what these issues that animate me might be, and what that might have to do with "Wounded Pilgrims" and this BB.  I would be very interested to hear the comments of others.

                                                                God bless,  Mark C.   

[Flora]

Mark, you raise many good issues and questions.  However, the main point I want to focus on is the validity or the need for this BB to continue. Please don’t underestimate the value of this BB. Let me explain by giving a very personal example.

A few months after I left the Ottawa Assembly, I was given the book Churches That Abuse. As I read it, the Lord opened my eyes to see the way scripture was used to control and abuse His children. I had no problem believing George would purposely do this. Here is why:

In 1978, when I was praying about taking the step to leave the brethren assembly and be part of “a new work that would express the holiness of God”, a Bible verse was very much impressed on my heart that I was to use as my guiding light or my guiding principle. This verse was I Cor.2:5 “that your faith should not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God.” A sister, who knew the significance of that verse to me, had a plaque made with that verse on it and gave it to me as a gift. That plaque hung on the wall of the dining area in my home for many years.

Shortly after, George was visiting my home and he saw the plaque. I saw him looking at it and I explained the significance of that verse to my heart. A look of anger came over his face. This really shocked and puzzled me. However, every time George was in my home and saw that verse on my wall, a look of anger crossed his face. This always puzzled me. It wasn’t until I read “Churches that Abuse” that I understood why. It would seem that George knew exactly what he was doing when he formed this organization; and he wanted our faith to rest on the “wisdom” of his words, so that we could be manipulated.

However, as I read Churches That Abuse, I refused to believe that the itinerate brothers or Betty knowingly twisted scripture in order to manipulate. I loved Betty dearly; I could talk to Betty about anything. If anyone indicated to me that Betty was just as guilty as George, I adamantly argued in Betty’s defense. The attitude that I had adopted was simply this: Betty is married to George; she is probably just trying to hold her marriage together.

It wasn’t until I read Judy G.’s story that my blinders fell off and I was forced to admit that Betty was also guilty. Judy G.’s story is a powerful story; but on top of that fact, was the recognition of Betty’s advice. Betty had given me the identically same advice that she had given to Judy. Suddenly I saw the advice for what it was: a manipulation of God’s word.

Betty was aware of much of my struggles with Armand and Nancy. Betty had often advised me to “just love them and pray for them. Love covers a multitude of sins. By responding in love and prayer, no matter how they treat me, I would be creating an opportunity for them to change.” I followed this advice for a number of years, but change never happened; probably because this advice doesn’t include the need for the sin to be addressed, and doesn’t include the need for repentance on the part of the one committing the sin.

Once the blinders started coming off regarding Betty, then the blinders regarding the itinerate brothers came off quite quickly. Assembly Reflections web site and this bulletin board were the instruments God used to open my blinded eyes.

The BB is a very valuable and powerful instrument, because it has members from every assembly, or almost every assembly. Here one finds a wide range of experiences and opinions that are weaved together to create a picture of abuse of authority and a twisting of scripture to control, manipulate and abuse.

Those of us who left before George’s fall, had our reputation assassinated and people were strongly encouraged to have nothing to do with us. Now the reputation of this bb is being assassinated and people were strongly encouraged to have nothing to do with it. One good indicator that the fruit of George’s teaching is still very much in evidence is the fact that this bulletin board is viewed as evil and people are strongly encouraged not to read it.

The reason we know that this bb is still needed is the very fact that this organization is still standing in approx. 14 different locations. There are also many individuals who were in the organization when it crumbled who are still blind to the evil that is intertwined with the good. Whenever I go on the bb, I usually go on as a Guest. I have never yet been the only person on this bb. There is always at least one other person and often 6 or more on the bb at the same time. People are coming here and people are reading.

It takes time for the blinders to come off. Only God can open the eyes of understanding; but God is able; nothing is too difficult for Him. When I left 15 years ago, I never thought George’s organization would crumble to this extent. God is able to bring all hidden truth out into His light.

So, to all those who are posting on this bb, don’t ever think your labour is in vain. This labour of love to expose the truth is crucial to helping set the captives free.

May the Lord richly bless you all,

Flora

[soul dreamer]

Thanks for this post Flora.  That story about the expression on George G.'s face when looking at that plaque is illuminating.  And I wonder if Betty is still teaching "love covers a multitude of sins" without including the need for the sin to be addressed, and the need for repentance on the part of the one committing the sin.

Thanks again.