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Author Topic: ASK REVEREND BURT  (Read 18588 times)
Joe Sperling
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« Reply #15 on: July 04, 2008, 04:05:34 am »

Here's a real life Reverend Burt:

"I've never had the Lord say, 'Jesse, I think that car is a little bit too nice.'  I've had vehicles and the Lord said, 'Would you please go park that at your house.  Don't put that in front of my house.  I don't want people to think that I'm a poor God.'" (Jesse Duplantis, "When Will We Yield To The Anointing of Wealth II," April 10, 2005)

Jesse Duplantis: "People told me, 'Well, they say, Jesus was poor.'  When was He poor?  I would like to know when He was poor.  Well, He was born in a stable.  Why?  Why was He born in a stable?  Because that short, deaf lady lost their reservation.  He couldn't get into the inn.  Think about that for a minute...And He had 12 full time people on His staff.  Some were married and He took care of them.  He had 70 part timers.  You don't gamble for rags Marcus."
Marcus Lamb: "Yeah."
Jesse Duplantis: "You don't gamble for rags.  You gamble for some clothes that cost.  Don't you?  He wanted a donkey that had never been rode.  As I said earlier, 'You might want a car that has never been drove.'
Marcus Lamb: "He had a full time treasurer on staff."
Jesse Duplantis: "That's right!  And stole for three years and the other guys didn't know about it."
Joni Lamb: "And wise men came to see Him."
Jesse Duplantis: "That's right!  I mean He wasn't three minutes on the ground and the three wise guys are looking for Him with what?  Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh.  Let me tell you something, this concept that Jesus was in poverty is totally wrong!" (Jesse Duplantis, Marcus Lamb, and Joni Lamb, Daystar Fall, "Share-A-Thon," September 15, 2004)


"If I give $1,000 dollars I deserve to get back $100,000 because I am just, that's not greed!" (Jesse Duplantis, December 19, 2003 TBN, "The just shall live by faith.")

"With fierce prayers and determination to see my mother healed, I started talking to God.  "What is going on here?!  I'm praying!  Dad's praying! Why isn't she healed?  You cannot allow death to defeat me, God. You made a covenant with me through Jesus' blood!  And that covenant says by His stripes we were healed!  Where is that healing?  If you break this covenant with me, you'll have to cease to be God!  You must keep covenant with me. You must obey your Word!" I was honest with God.  He knew how I felt, so what was the point in hiding it?  I was confused.  I was hurt.  I didn't know what else to do. That is when God spoke up, "Jesse, I have a covenant with you, yes. However, I have one with your mother as well.  You are praying for her healing.  She is praying in her heart for Me to take her home. Now, I will obey My Word.  But you and your daddy are battling your mother's will. It is her life at stake.  You have Me in a hard place, Jesse.  Someone has got to give in. Get yourselves together and tell Me what I am to do! (Jesse Duplantis, "My Experience Doesn'tí Change Godís Word," Article C-Faith) Can you imagine God asking a person to tell him what to do because He is in a tight spot? - author

It's not very funny though.  Sad
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Joe Sperling
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« Reply #16 on: October 04, 2008, 05:00:27 am »

Hello Dear friends,

Reverend Burt O'Leary here.  I happened upon this bulletin board again and was amazed to find
that a subject being discussed here fit in well with an idea the Lord recently gave me.  They
are educational tools for children.  They are dioramas, but created by me, so they are packaged
as "O'Learoramas".  They depict scenes from the Bible, and are very detailed and life-like.  I had
created a "Jericho O'Learorama", complete with collapseable walls, and miniature trumpets for the
Israelite figurines to carry. An assortment of miniature Kosher foods are available for the figurines,
along with miniature clothing and weapons. Friends, bless your children with these life-like creations
of Bible events so that their knowledge can grow, and wisdom will be implanted in them now, not later.

Just recently I had created an "O'Learorama" of Elisha and the two she-bears, which, by coincidence, was the subject being discussed on the board.  The O'learorama comes with Elisha, the two bears, extremely life-like, with fierce growls on their faces, and 42 children sprawled in different positions on a hillside. An ambulance is available (though not historically accurate, the children just love them), with a workable siren and moving wheels, along with miniature bandages and stretchers that the wounded children fit into perfectly.  If you are interested in ordering the O'Learorama of Elisha and the bears, or want more information on other Bible scenes available please order below. One tenth of all proceeds will go to some charitable contribution. I promise I will not use any proceeds towards the purchase of new leather seats for my Lexus, though they desperately need replacement or re-upholstery now. I will choose to suffer instead so someone else less fortunate may be blessed!


Elisha and the Bears O'learorama    $499.99
Ambulance with miniature attendants     $59.99

Jericho O'Learorama    $569.99
Optional clarinets (to replace trumpets if in more of a festive mood)    $89.99
Kosher food (miniature Rabbi available if the chidren want to pretend the food is being blessed before
being eaten)----$59.99    Rabbi----$249.99

Please send all orders (tax is included in sell price) and requests for other Olearorama's available
to:

Reverend Burt O'Leary
P.O. Box 2222
Barstow, Ca, 92233 (no personal checks please)

May the Lord richly bless you.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2008, 05:29:02 am by Joe Sperling » Logged
moonflower2
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« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2008, 07:46:27 pm »

Hello Dear friends,

Reverend Burt O'Leary here.  I happened upon this bulletin board again and was amazed to find
that a subject being discussed here fit in well with an idea the Lord recently gave me.  They
are educational tools for children.  They are dioramas, but created by me, so they are packaged
as "O'Learoramas".  They depict scenes from the Bible, and are very detailed and life-like.  I had
created a "Jericho O'Learorama", complete with collapseable walls, and miniature trumpets for the
Israelite figurines to carry. An assortment of miniature Kosher foods are available for the figurines,
along with miniature clothing and weapons. Friends, bless your children with these life-like creations
of Bible events so that their knowledge can grow, and wisdom will be implanted in them now, not later.

Just recently I had created an "O'Learorama" of Elisha and the two she-bears, which, by coincidence, was the subject being discussed on the board.  The O'learorama comes with Elisha, the two bears, extremely life-like, with fierce growls on their faces, and 42 children sprawled in different positions on a hillside. An ambulance is available (though not historically accurate, the children just love them), with a workable siren and moving wheels, along with miniature bandages and stretchers that the wounded children fit into perfectly.  If you are interested in ordering the O'Learorama of Elisha and the bears, or want more information on other Bible scenes available please order below. One tenth of all proceeds will go to some charitable contribution. I promise I will not use any proceeds towards the purchase of new leather seats for my Lexus, though they desperately need replacement or re-upholstery now. I will choose to suffer instead so someone else less fortunate may be blessed!


Elisha and the Bears O'learorama    $499.99
Ambulance with miniature attendants     $59.99

Jericho O'Learorama    $569.99
Optional clarinets (to replace trumpets if in more of a festive mood)    $89.99
Kosher food (miniature Rabbi available if the chidren want to pretend the food is being blessed before
being eaten)----$59.99    Rabbi----$249.99

Please send all orders (tax is included in sell price) and requests for other Olearorama's available
to:

Reverend Burt O'Leary
P.O. Box 2222
Barstow, Ca, 92233 (no personal checks please)

May the Lord richly bless you.
:rofl: This is too funny!!

Do these items come with hamburgers?
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Joe Sperling
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« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2009, 03:46:01 am »

Hello Friends!!

Reverend Burt O'Leary here, and as always I am looking to bless others, and fill
their hearts with the kind of joy that just will not go away! As you all know I am
the Leader of a great ministry which is involved not only with World Evangelism,
and relief for the poor and fatherless, but also using innovative ways to bless the very
hearts of God's dear children also!!  "Comfort ye, comfort ye my people"  says the
Lord, and I intend to do just that by continuing to create ways that you can become
a blessing not only to this valuable ministry, but to your own needy spirits. By learning
to give, one is actually receiving blessings, so it is always blessed to give to this ministry
my dear friends.

As always, I am engaged in writing books, and creating ways to bring great awareness
to God's people of his love and presence.  I had offered recently some "O'Learoramas"
and the response has been tremendous!! Thanks to all of you who ordered the "Elisha
and the Bears" O'Learorama--you not only blessed this ministry, but also added to the
rewards you will receive one day before the throne--none of your blessed contributions
will be forgotten, and of that we can be assured!!  Bless you my friends!! I was able to
purchase a new lamp, encrusted with Topaz and emeralds, with some of the proceeds--and
I am truly grateful--my eyes are not very good, and the lamp light will help me to spend
more time poring over my Bible for blessed nuggets I can share with you.  Bless you for that!!

But today, dear friends, I would like to give you the opportunity to bless this ministry even
more----and in so doing receive something that is really quite priceless.  For over two years now
I have been training two parrots to learn and recite scripture, and they have now learned enough
spiritual vocabulary to be a complete blessing to anyone who owns them.  They not only quote
scripture, but have the unique tendency to really "open up" around visitors, so that your friends
and acquaintances will be sure to hear a bit of the Bible when visiting your home. 

Imagine having a dinner party with several guests invited who are not well acquainted with one another. Many times there is a bit of awkward silence or uneasiness as guests get to know one another. But if you were to acquire "Petey", one of these two amazing parrots, He would immediately begin to talk. Instead of the awkward silence pervading the scene, he might quote a verse such as this one from 2 Kings 9 (imagine their amazement as he quotes this long verse in perfect repetition and cadence).  Imagine as the silent dinner table filled with guests is suddenly inundated with your parrot's voice quoting this sacred text from his bird cage nearby:

"For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel: And I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, and like the house of Baasha the son of Ahijah: And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her.  Ack!!!".        (from 2 Kings 9:8-10)

You can be assured that there will be an immediate response when your guests hear a parrot quoting from the Bible. Not too many parrots quote from scripture, and they will be impressed that you are teaching your bird messages from sacred scripture.

Or imagine you are having a birthday party for your 8 year old son, and many of his little friends are there who have never heard scripture.  What a perfect opportunity!!!  In the midst of the festivities, imagine "Jimbo", the other parrot, who is extremely vocal, spouting off this scripture from Revelation:

"AND WHOSOEVER WAS NOT FOUND WRITTEN IN THE BOOK OF LIFE WAS CAST INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE!!  ACK!!!(parrots have a habit of saying "ack" after quoting things).

The door of opportunity will definitely be opened as the children and their parents have an opportunity to comment on the verse, and the amazing ability of the parrot.  "Jimbo" is guaranteed to be the life of the party!!  Both parrots have extensive scripture knowledge, and will give you hours and hours of enjoyment.

"JIMBO" :  Blue/Yellow Macaw.  Fond of screeching verses of judgment, wrath and damnation.  Knows over 120 Bible verses, 3 years old-------     $4,750.00 + tax

"PETEY" :  African Grey.  Beautiful and endearing.  Extensive knowledge of Scripture and able to recite verses with over 40 words, or more!  5 years old-----   $5,675.00 + tax

Please take advantage of this rare offer friends!  Bless this ministry by purchasing one of these exquisite birds, and bless yourself by so doing.  Don't miss out on this blessed opportunity!!!!  Send check with your address and phone number to:

Reverend Burt O'Leary
P.O. Box 2222
Barstow, Ca., 92233
no personal checks please---money order/cashier's check only

Thanks dear friends, and God bless you!!

« Last Edit: January 15, 2009, 05:58:44 am by Joe Sperling » Logged
Mark C.
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« Reply #19 on: January 16, 2009, 05:25:23 am »

Hi Rev. Burt!

   You may not be aware, but this BB is primarily for former members of a group that was called The Assm. of George Geftakys.  This fellow George, who led the group, really knew how to keep us on the edge of our seats with his exciting sermons (not unlike you do with your fine contributions to this BB).

  As you probably already know, as a polished huckster, the real key to making a good sales pitch is to have some kind of a rhetorical hook that really reaches out and produces an indelible memory in the mind of the sucker, er--- I mean the listener. 

  George had a number of these lines and to this very day I find myself fondly repeating a number of them.  This gets me around to the point (finally) of your parrot offer and whether or not I could get one of these wonderful birds and have him trained to say these phrases of GG from the ol' days!

  If somehow we could get to the secret treasure trove of hidden tapes from GG days we could play them for a parrot and within weeks could be listening again to: "Don't leave your change on the counter friends", or "The Spirit will leave you as quick as the snap of a gnat's wing if you allow your mind to wander---", ad naseum.

  Thanks for giving us the bird Rev. Burt, so to speak, with your truly novel concept of using these talking pets and I know your ministry will really take flight as a result.

                                                                 Thanks, Mark C.   
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moonflower2
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« Reply #20 on: January 19, 2009, 11:44:55 pm »

Hello Friends!!

"JIMBO" :  Blue/Yellow Macaw.  Fond of screeching verses of judgment, wrath and damnation.  Knows over 120 Bible verses, 3 years old-------     $4,750.00 + tax

"PETEY" :  African Grey.  Beautiful and endearing.  Extensive knowledge of Scripture and able to recite verses with over 40 words, or more!  5 years old-----   $5,675.00 + tax

Please take advantage of this rare offer friends!  Bless this ministry by purchasing one of these exquisite birds, and bless yourself by so doing.  Don't miss out on this blessed opportunity!!!!  Send check with your address and phone number to:

Reverend Burt O'Leary
P.O. Box 2222
Barstow, Ca., 92233
no personal checks please---money order/cashier's check only

Thanks dear friends, and God bless you!!
Are you still around, Son of Blago? Great! I'd like to make a contribution to your ministry!

I'm in the business of protecting wildlife from the carnivorous republicans and would like to donate some "endagered" species to guard your valuable scripture-quoting birds.
These animals are very quiet, unobstrusive and are just what you need, now that the world knows of your ministry and your innocent fledglings! They will stand guard 24/7 to protect that little flock of properly trained parrots from any and all wolves.

In exchange, I will expect a chair upholstered in red velvet with gold arms next to you at your feast table.

You will not be disappointed in these animals. They are trustworthy and beautiful! You will be the envy of all that know you!! They have been trained to appreciate a properly trained bird when they see one!

Please pick the two that meet your fancy and they will be sent, in secret, to the dark corners of your home.

http://www.gotpetsonline.com/bobcat/bobcat-photo/bobcat-kittens.html

Here's hoping that your days will be numbered, er, blessed! Mene, Mene Tekel Upharsin!! Sieg Heil!









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Joe Sperling
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« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2009, 01:38:39 am »

Thank you for the article on the bobcats Moonflower!! It is much appreciated. But I already
have a couple of trained house cats that "meow" to various hymns and songs.  I can let both of them go
for the very affordable price of $1575.00.  Their rendition of the song "cats in the cradle" brings
me to tears every time.

And Mark C.---why yes, certainly you could train one of these birds to say: "The Spirit will leave you as quick as the snap of a gnat's wing if you allow your mind to wander". I understand that George had a habit of clearing his throat in a certain way also----I'm sure the parrot could learn to mimic that sound also.  What a blessing that would be!!

Just imagine:  "Don't leave your change on the counter friends" Awk! followed by the sound of a
throat being cleared loudly. It would truly be awe-inspiring. Mark-- Just send a check in for the full amount---don't forget to sign it----and you will be well on your way to hearing the sounds of glory these birds can give you on a daily basis.


Dear Friends,  I do appreciate the "bids" that have been coming in on the trained parrots, but I must clarify that the prices are fixed and not subject to negotiation. Far too much time and labor have gone into training these two winged animals to let them sell below their real value. I do appreciate the cards and letters though, and the several monetary offers I have received.  I have received many, many responses, but really only have time and space to respond to a few of them:

To Ernie Stevens in Midland, Texas:  Yes, you most likely could train one of them to sound like Drew Carey on "The Price is Right", and sell things at your weekly garage sales-- Great idea!  Just send the check, and I'll leave the rest up to you.

To Nora Wellshammer in Shreveport, La:   If you buy them you can dress them up all you want to--I really don't care what you do with them to tell you the truth.  But the "bid" you submitted is just not acceptable.

To Clive White in Fargo, ND:  I'm sorry that you'd like to see me and my two parrots in a fiery place like that for all of eternity. That really is not a very nice thing to wish upon another person.

Friends,  really now.  How can you expect to be blessed unless you pay full value on these birds, or more, if so led by the Lord? They are really amazing animals----I'm sure someone out there could really use a parrot who quotes scripture.  Look into your heart of hearts will you friends?  The Lord is COUNTING ON YOU to keep this ministry alive.

Send check or money order to:

Reverend Burt O'Leary
P.O. box 2222
Barstow, Ca., 92233

P.S. , Sarah Peters in Laremie, Wyoming:  No,  I have never tasted deep fried parrot wings and do not intend to either. But thank you for the recipe.
« Last Edit: January 30, 2009, 03:03:48 am by Joe Sperling » Logged
Joe Sperling
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« Reply #22 on: January 31, 2009, 01:39:39 am »

Hello Dear Friends----

Reverend Burt O'Leary here saying Blessed be the name of the Lord!  I have a wonderful, wonderful offer for you today that is truly going to make your life so much blessedly easier!  We all know what it is to be assailed by doubts and fears.  Sometimes it can be very difficult to believe, and to hold onto one's faith. We think to ourselves how wonderful it would be if some of the struggles and trials could just be alleviated for a time! I, myself, a godly man, suffer from these things, so I can imagine how you, the average layperson, can be assaulted by this same problem. I had labored in prayer about this for several weeks, asking "Dear Lord, please show me the way so that I can help my dear brethren".

Then I came across this article:

http://web-japan.org/trends00/honbun/tj990527.html

A robotic monk!  What a great idea!!  Someone who can do your believing FOR you!  So, in like manner, led and directed with guidance from the Lord himself, I have designed and built an "Olearoreverend"(registered trademark) which is a robot that resembles me so closely it's uncanny. Or, he can look exactly like you if you send your bodlily statistics (height, weight, etc.) and a good photo of yourself. The "Olearoreverend(R)" is dressed as a Minister of God, including collar and vestments. He also has an extra change of "regular" clothes--he's a reverend, he's a layman--he'll be anything you want him to be! You simply activate him, and he'll do your believing FOR you---it's that simple. And when I say "believing" I mean all that that entails---praying, reading, worshiping, fellowshipping---the Olearoreverend (R) will do them ALL for you, so that you can pursue the other pleasures of life, as I do,  such as boating, shopping, dining in 4 star restaurants, or waxing your new Ferrari or older 1946 Bentley. There is no believing robot quite like the Olearoreverend (R).

There is another robot on the market whose designer claims: "It will even believe in things they wouldn't believe in Salt Lake City".  My friends, that is quite a claim indeed. Do not fall for it.  No, friends, if you are going to buy a believing robot, purchase an "Olearoreverend" (R).  Imagine friends, you sit in your Lazy Boy, feet up, Ice tea in hand, while the "Olearoreverend"(R) is upon his knees, doing your prayer list for you!! Simply set the "prayer mode" and you are on your way. Why be concerned about praying for your family, when with the click of a switch, the Olearoreverend(R) can do it FOR you?

He can pray simple prayers, or, if for example, you are hosting a "prayer meeting" in your home one evening, just set the "prayer mode" to "elite" and he will do your praying for you in such an exalted manner that it will simply amaze the rest of the group. You will be thought of as being on "a higher sprititual plane" from then on, all because you were intelligent enough to take advantage of this wonderful offer.

You can even send the robot Olearoreverend (R) to church FOR you. Let him sit through the sermon and take notes--he is an excellent scribe!  Imagine my friends, no more missed Sunday NFL games!!  How blessed is that??

Or, send him to a Bible study, where he can ask/state obscure, mystical questions and statements for you.  Just set the "Bible study mode" dial to NEE and later you can view the other study members reactions to your incredible spirituality simply by down-loading them visually from the "Olearoreverend's" (R) memory banks.

Take advantage of this amazing and truly wonderful offer today!! Once again friends, you can bless yourself by blessing this great ministry by being as sacrificial as possible with your finances. Send check or money order for  $48,675.30 (+ $375.00 shipping and handling) to:

Reverend Burt O'Leary
P.O. Box 2222
Barstow, Ca., 92233

God bless you dear friends!!
« Last Edit: January 31, 2009, 05:55:32 am by Joe Sperling » Logged
Mark C.
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« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2009, 08:14:46 am »

Dear Rev.,

  There was a time when I would have tried to come up with the $'s to get that Robot (think ANOP's and seminars)!  Especially if you could have him made him up to look just like me!

  A robot (in some religious environments) is about the most "spiritual" that you can get.  What I mean is, there are absolutely no human weaknesses to struggle with--- no doubts, fears, desires, etc.---- what a wonderful life (R)!  Ah, just think, you could pray and read your bible always and never be interrupted by sleep, eating, or wanting any worldly distractions that might keep you from ones disciplined climbing of the Heavenly Ladder!

 Rev. you don't know, but Joe could tell you that a robot could also function perfectly for evangelism.  Why, there used to be a couple of guys who would drive down Van Nuys Blvd. in a car with flames on the side--little people were pictured in the flames burning up (R)-- and one of the guys would shout out in monotone the repeated phrase: "Bible-- Church---Church--Bible--etc.!!  Really!

  Yes Rev., a robot really is exactly what God wants for us as his people.  Once you win the victory and put to death your humanity then God can really get his glory in your life.  This is really a change we can believe in!  Speaking of which, maybe I can get a govt. grant via the "stimulus package (R)" to get my hands on one of these robots?  Cool

  Thanks again Rev. for considering "the forgotten man (R)" by allowing us to perform spiritually to perfection 24/7 and yet to still be able to watch NFL football all Sunday long!!!

                                                          Mark C. (R)
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moonflower2
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« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2009, 09:08:39 pm »

Endofrever Burt,

Your offer sounds legit, and I'm not one to fall for gimmicks, so I'm looking into purchasing a mommy model.

I want to start forming my children from their moment of birth. What I'm looking for is a robot that can hold a child down on a "mat" while covering his mouth. It should be able to whisper, "You're going to hell in a reed basket if you don't pipe down."

Do you have a nursing model? This is the ultimate in perfection of holiness I want to present that picture from the moment of birth.

In fact, now that I'm pondering holiness, do you have a home-birthing model? What ultimate perfection, especially for someone who wants to avoid the complications that are bound to come up in a hospital, ie, breech birth, placental abruption, meconium aspiration, and who knows what other grotesque abnormalities could be caused by the handling of a well-meaning doctor!

I know I can count on you, dear man, to help me in my quest for holiness and conformity from the get-go for my future children.

I think a mommy model will put you on the map!
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Joe Sperling
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« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2009, 11:00:01 pm »

Moonflower---

Thank you for asking!!! I have received many requests just like yours for a mothering version of the OLearoreverend (R). Unfortunately, I cannot help with a robot that may "stand in" for you during a live birth, but I do have a "Mommy model" available for disciplining purposes.  She is called quite aptly enough, the "OLearoMadre" (R) and is available now! She will do your disciplining FOR you, and has hands designed to fit perfectly over ANY child's wide open, screaming mouth:

OLearoMadre(R)---   $48,657.80 (available with head-covering if requested)

Wooden spoon for "whacking" (great for those in the 3-6 month age span)--    $67.50

Wooden Ruler (extra thick version--great for those 6 months up to 13 years old)--  $87.99

Baseball Bat  (for use on those 13 years or older. Guraranteed not to splinter on impact) ---$123.50

Vinyl floor mat (completely resistant to children's tears--designed to last for years) ----  $155.00

I am in the process of perfecting the "nursing" model, which should be available later this year. Dear Friends, take advantage of this wonderful and blessed offer today!!  Remember if you withhold the rod, you will spoil the child!!!  Let the OLearoMadre(R) start with your children now--getting hit with a wooden spoon or ruler is the perfect method to not only teach your children discipline, but to keep them quiet so you can listen to the OLearoreverend's(R) high and lofty Biblical questions and discourse.   Think of it friends-----an OLearoreverend(R) to do your believing FOR you, and an OLearoMadre(R) who can stand in FOR YOU to keep the children in line!! (OLearoreverend(R) pricing in post below).  What could be more blessed than that!!!

Send check or money order to:

Reverend Burt O'Leary
P.O. Box 2222
Barstow, Ca., 92233

« Last Edit: February 06, 2009, 11:11:04 pm by Joe Sperling » Logged
moonflower2
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« Reply #26 on: February 14, 2009, 07:54:26 am »

Moonflower---

Thank you for asking!!! I have received many requests just like yours for a mothering version of the OLearoreverend (R). Unfortunately, I cannot help with a robot that may "stand in" for you during a live birth, but I do have a "Mommy model" available for disciplining purposes.  She is called quite aptly enough, the "OLearoMadre" (R) and is available now! She will do your disciplining FOR you, and has hands designed to fit perfectly over ANY child's wide open, screaming mouth:

OLearoMadre(R)---   $48,657.80 (available with head-covering if requested)

Wooden spoon for "whacking" (great for those in the 3-6 month age span)--    $67.50

Wooden Ruler (extra thick version--great for those 6 months up to 13 years old)--  $87.99

Baseball Bat  (for use on those 13 years or older. Guraranteed not to splinter on impact) ---$123.50

Vinyl floor mat (completely resistant to children's tears--designed to last for years) ----  $155.00

I am in the process of perfecting the "nursing" model, which should be available later this year. Dear Friends, take advantage of this wonderful and blessed offer today!!  Remember if you withhold the rod, you will spoil the child!!!  Let the OLearoMadre(R) start with your children now--getting hit with a wooden spoon or ruler is the perfect method to not only teach your children discipline, but to keep them quiet so you can listen to the OLearoreverend's(R) high and lofty Biblical questions and discourse.   Think of it friends-----an OLearoreverend(R) to do your believing FOR you, and an OLearoMadre(R) who can stand in FOR YOU to keep the children in line!! (OLearoreverend(R) pricing in post below).  What could be more blessed than that!!!

Send check or money order to:

Reverend Burt O'Leary
P.O. Box 2222
Barstow, Ca., 92233
(lol everytime I read this)

My Dear Olearoreverend,
I'm in worshipful appreciation and true adoration for your genious and creative money-making schemes for the Lord,
Moonflower

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Joe Sperling
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« Reply #27 on: April 15, 2009, 05:03:25 am »

You've had a rough morning.  You've spent hours arguing with atheists, agnostics,
Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and purveyors of "higher Biblical criticism" on the In-
ternet. It's time for a break. Your thirsty, and you need something that is going to energize
you, to revitalize you, to get your brain back into gear, so you can go back and face them
all over again.  You reach for the best:  O'Leary's Apologeticure Revitalizing Tonic.

Made from carefully picked organic fruit juices, and then carefully vulcanized (literally blessed by a Vulcan),
with absolutely no chemical additives, O'Leary's Apologeticure Revitalizing Tonic simply cannot be beat! Listen to some of these testimonies:

"I felt whipped. The Atheist I was arguing with had the better of me for sure.  I was close to folding, but took a moment, and popped open a bottle of my O'Leary's Apologeticure Revitalizing Tonic, and within moments I was able to make arguments he simply could not defend. I had him accepting Christ faster than you can say "Capernaum".  This stuff is amazing!  Everyone needs to buy a bottle!!  Thank you so much Reverend Burt!!"

--Jake Boswell,  Norman, Oklahoma

"I have a hard time with Mormons. I simply do not know how to address them.  I had gotten so close to giving up that I spilled coffee on my keyboard.  Then I remembered the bottle of O'Leary's Apologeticure Revitalizing Tonic I had purchased.  I took a swig, and soon, my fingers were blazing on the keys, and I had produced arguments so convincing that the Mormon said he was now a Presbyterian!  Thanks Reverend Burt!"

--Blake Cosby,  Porter, La.

Friends----you too can be just as effective in your apologetics!  Get a bottle of O'Leary's Apologeticure Revitalizing Tonic today!!

16 OZ bottle---------$131.50
12 OZ bottle---------$87.50
+ shipping and handling.

Send money order (no checks) to:
Reverend Burt O'Leary
2222 Kingworth Rd.
Barstow, Ca., 92232
« Last Edit: April 15, 2009, 08:58:26 pm by Joe S » Logged
moonflower2
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« Reply #28 on: April 18, 2009, 07:03:45 am »

Dearest and most holy reverend Burt,

You have been gone for too long! It is good to see you back again!!

Forget the Mormons, JW's and atheists! Each day I hide out in my cubicle from my co-workers, 99% of whom are Christians. We see eye-to-eye on nothing and I consider myself lucky to have a 10-foot wall on one side of my cubicle to protect myself from the clandestine rendezvous of the maintenance constituency with the student-worker flame.

I have learned to refrain from making interesting sounds when certain people pass the front of my cubicle, and I no longer play the Twilight Zone theme song from a musical birthday card at opportune moments, but I could use some extra help, now.

We will be working a 4-day week for the summer and will be around each other for 10 hours each day!!!! Gasp!!!!

Do you maybe have a bubblebath-type of Revitalizing Tonic? Or at least, an intravenous solution for Christian responses?

Here's hoping I won't have to do full time in purgatory!

Falling on your everyword, as always, with true adoration,
Your faithful follower,
Moonflower
« Last Edit: April 18, 2009, 10:46:52 am by moonflower » Logged
Joe Sperling
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« Reply #29 on: May 21, 2009, 12:36:29 am »

Dear Reverend Burt,

I, as a faithful Christian, seek to obey every command that I see in the Word of God.  The
other day I was reading 1 Samuel chapter 16, and in verse 1 it says:

"Fill your horn with oil, and be on your way".

I really do not see the advantage to this.  When I "honk" now there is a strange gurgling
sound, and hardly anyone can hear me. Am I missing something?

Stu Weimerling
Boston, Mass.
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