Laughter..the best medicine

[al Hartman]

FLORIDA ALLIGATOR ALERT

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife and FEMA are
instructing emergency workers to take extra precautions and keep
alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange, Dade,
Martin, St. Lucie, and Pinellas Counties.

Personnel are advised to wear noise-producing devices such as small metal
bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.
Also suggested is the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter
with an alligator.

To recognize fresh signs of alligator activity, the agencies have issued the  following:  The droppings of young alligators are small, odorless, and may contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings contain small metal bells and smell strongly of
pepper spray.

[Sebastian Andrew]

The Pope was visiting President Bush and they went for a boat ride. As they were sailing along, the wind blew off the Pope's hat into the water. President Bush had the boat stopped immediately and proceeded to walk on the water to fetch and return the Pope's hat. The next day the New York Times headline read:




                      Bush Can't Swim!

[al Hartman]

 

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking  for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what  type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said:  "A long frilly white dress with a  veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said,  "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are  considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the  first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know  what I mean?  Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved  at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white  gown would be quite appropriate.  Believe it or not,  despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding,  he died of a heart attack as we were checking into our hotel.  My second husband  and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our  honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never  spoke to each other again."

"What about your third  husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat,"said the woman, "Every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

[moonflower2]

   Excellent  

[al Hartman]

Make Someone Happy

Bill, Hillary and Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's private jet.  Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Kerry says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says to her co-pilot, "Such big shots back there--I could throw all of them out the window and make millions happy."

[al Hartman]

   A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
 
 Seated at the bar is a nicely dressed and coiffed lady, probably in her mid-eighties.
 
 The gentleman walks over, takes a seat beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

[lenore]

LORD'S DAY NOVEMBER 21ST


Our Mission...  Make you Laugh

Discipline
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Contributed by: Raymond Coakley
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Contributed by: Eric Witty  
=====
It was only four days before Christmas. The spirit of the season hadn't yet caught up with me, even though cars packed the parking lot of our local discount store. Inside the store, it was worse.

Shopping carts and last minute shoppers jammed the aisles. Why did I come today? I wondered. My feet ached almost as much as my head. My list contained names of several people who claimed they wanted nothing but I knew their feelings would be hurt if I didn't buy them anything. Buying for someone who had everything and deploring the high cost of items, I considered gift-buying anything but fun.

Hurriedly, I filled my shopping cart with last minute items and proceeded to the long checkout lines. I picked the shortest but it looked as if it would mean at least a 20 minute wait.

In front of me were two small children-a boy of about 5 and a younger girl..

The boy wore a ragged coat. Enormously large, tattered tennis shoes jutted far out in front of his much too short jeans. He clutched several crumpled dollar bills in his grimy hands. The girl's clothing resembled her brother's.

Her head was a matted mass of curly hair. Reminders of an evening meal showed on her small face.

She carried a beautiful pair of shiny, gold house slippers. As the Christmas music sounded in the store's stereo system, the girl hummed along, off-key but happily. When we finally approached the checkout register, the girl carefully placed the shoes on the counter. She treated them as though they were a treasure. The clerk rang up the bill..

"That will be $6.09," she said. The boy laid his crumpled dollars atop the stand while he searched his pockets. He finally came up with $3.12..

"I guess we will have to put them back, " he bravely said. "We will come back some other time, maybe tomorrow." With that statement, a soft sob broke from the little girl. "But Jesus would have loved these shoes, " she cried.

"Well, we'll go home and work some more. Don't cry. We'll come back," he said. Quickly I handed $3.00 to the cashier. These children had waited in line for a long time. And, after all, it was Christmas.

Suddenly a pair of arms came around me and a small voice said, "Thank you lady."

"What did you mean when you said Jesus would like the shoes?" I asked. The boy answered, "Our mommy is sick and going to heaven. Daddy said she might go before Christmas to be with Jesus." The girl spoke, "My Sunday school teacher said the streets in heaven are shiny gold, just like these shoes. Won't mommy be beautiful walking on those streets to match these shoes?" My eyes flooded as I looked into her tear streaked face.

"Yes," I answered, "I am sure she will."

Silently I thanked God for using these children to remind me of the true spirit of giving."

'Tis the Season!! Remember that it's better to give than receive so pass it on! Merry Christmas to all!!!

Contributed by Kristi Saunders
====

REASONS NOT TO WASH
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic.  For example: Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time
====
There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
========
 WOMEN JOKES

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
---------------------------
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. & I think you're bad luck."
==============
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
==

 

[al Hartman]

 


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"  

MAN: "OK, but for that price, insist that it comes with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.  Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[al Hartman]

This just came in an e-mail.  Someone clever went to a lot of trouble to entertain us oldtimers who remember Abbott & Costello:

Who's On(line) First"

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were around today, their infamous
sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like
this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the
Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none
of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reels 2, 3 & 4.  Can I watch them or not?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What
do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the
world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"

[Recovering Saint]

HOW TO IDENTIFY A 'PRAISE CHORUS'

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church.  (His wife was sick and couldn't go with him)  He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "it was good.  They did something different, however.  They sang praise choruses, instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses," said his wife, "what are those?"

"Oh, they're okay.  They're sort of like hyms, only different," said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.

The farmer said:  "Well it's like this, if I were to say to you, "Martha,the cows are in the corn, well that would be a hymn.  If, on the other hand, I were to say to you,

Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, The big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows,

The COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN,!

Then if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus."

Hugh

[Oscar]

HOW TO IDENTIFY A 'PRAISE CHORUS'

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church.  (His wife was sick and couldn't go with him)  He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "it was good.  They did something different, however.  They sang praise choruses, instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses," said his wife, "what are those?"

"Oh, they're okay.  They're sort of like hyms, only different," said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.

The farmer said:  "Well it's like this, if I were to say to you, "Martha,the cows are in the corn, well that would be a hymn.  If, on the other hand, I were to say to you,

Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, The big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows,

The COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN,!

Then if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus."

Hugh

Hugh,

Some folks call this style of music "Seven Eleven Music".  

Each chorus has about seven words.....and you sing them eleven times.  

Thomas Maddux

[Oscar]

Folks,

Last Sunday the brother teaching in our adult fellowship showed us a little book.

It was called "Cat and Dog Theology".

He summarized its contents as follows:

"A dog knows its all about his master.....but a cat thinks it all about him."

Thomas Maddux

[outdeep]

Folks,

Last Sunday the brother teaching in our adult fellowship showed us a little book.

It was called "Cat and Dog Theology".

He summarized its contents as follows:

"A dog knows its all about his master.....but a cat thinks it all about him."

Thomas Maddux

Dog:  He feeds me, grooms me, meets my every need - he must be God.
Cat:  He feeds me, grooms me, meets my every need - I must be God.

[al Hartman]

Here's one for all you mid-westerners, east coasters, north-westerners, and Canucks (Floridians & So CA folks may need an interpreter ).  With an advance apology to the fair-haired among you...
[/color]

A large truck and a sports car stop side-by-side for a red light.  A pert young blonde jumps from behind the wheel of the car, trots quickly around to the driver's door of the truck, and knocks on the window.  The driver lowers his window, and the blonde says, "Hi!  My name is Heather, and you're losing part of your load..."  The truckdriver smiles, shakes his head, rolls up his window, and as the light turns green, drives ahead.

She catches up with him at the next red light, and the scene repeats itself:  "Hi!  My name is Heather, and you're losing part of your load..."  The results, too, are the same.

This goes on for another three blocks until finally the truckdriver emerges first, goes up to the sports car, and knocks on the driver's window.  Heather opens her window and the trucker says, "Hi, my name is Bert, it's winter, there's two feet of snow, and I'm driving a salt truck!

[al Hartman]

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another man took the seat beside
him. The newcomer was a complete wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his
nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.


"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered.
There's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."


"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and you'll be as safe as anywhere in the world."


The other passenger, obviously relieved, stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been absolutely terrified, but if you live there and say it's OK, I guess I can take your word for it. What do you do for a  living?"


"Me?" Jack replied, "I'm a tail gunner on a  bread truck in Oakland."