Forget & Forgive?

[Elizabeth H]

Yesterday I was driving home from a lovely afternoon tea with my six year old daughter when I passed a church with one of those “drive-by” quotes posted under their name sign. The quote read “forget the past & forgive.” I thought about that quote as I finished the drive home and by the time I pulled into the driveway, I had come up with an alternate rendering: “remember the past & forgive.”
   You see, I don’t ever want to forget the past. Erase the past (or even revise it) and you are more likely to repeat the same mistakes in the future, right? Is it possible to learn from our mistakes and make new choices? Is it possible to say: no more, this will not happen again, the buck stops here, the cycle ends with me? I have to believe the answer is yes. My future depends on it. How that happens is still a bit dicey for me, but I’m determined to figure it out.
   Is it more difficult to remember the past & forgive? I think so. I accept what has happened, but that doesn’t mean it was OK. Forgiveness has come in pieces, like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. I’m not there yet, but I can see the picture emerging from the chaos.
   
   What do you think?    

Elizabeth Henderson

[Recovering Saint]

Elizabeth

You are right don't forget the past for the lessons you have learned. However we are not to be dragged down by the past and be still living in the past.

I for one have no ill will towards anyone because I believe I must forgive and let people be free to learn how to live a new life. I do believe however that people should ask for forgiveness and not expect it because this brings closure for them and the person offended.

You can change your life. I was raised in a double alcoholic home and the odds statistically of me becoming an alcoholic or marrying an alcoholic are 70%. I don't worry about that like I might have before because this knowledge allows me to avoid the pitfalls that others made before me. The scripture comes to mind "These things were written afore times" for us to learn by them. If they were not remembered we would not learn from them.

But now that I know what to look for in my life as a result of my upbringing I can heed the warnings and turn from them. You see I am not useless and stupid and all the other terrible things that were said to me when my parents were drunk. I believed them because you trust your parents and you want their acceptance. Well I now know that it is not true and I know when I feel these ways it is a lie and now I can say to myself. Hugh you are loved and you are accepted and don't let anyone tell you differently. Oh yes and now I know what the Alcohol did to my parents I can forgive them and see how wounded and hurt they were to resort to the bottle. Thank God I know I don't need drugs or alcohol to prop me up.

In knowing how you are conditioned by the Assembly you can help yourself and others to be free from the feelings of guilt and insecurity and lack of worth. I know for me more and more I am seeing that it matters who you associate with. The people in the gathering I go to now are very supportive and loving and do not go around labelling me to keep me under their thumb. There is a genuine desire to better the other guy.

But back to your point. You can help steer yourself and others away from the dangers you experienced but the forget the past does not apply but rather forgive those who hurt you in the past and help them to acknowledge their sin so they can finally be free of it.

By God's enabling you can be what God intended you to be. A happy vital and encouraging part of God's Church who can reach out in love to others and thereby bring glory to God. Seek out those who are encouragers who will help you to grow in a healthy environment.

Hugh

[al Hartman]

Yesterday I was driving home from a lovely afternoon tea with my six year old daughter when I passed a church with one of those “drive-by” quotes posted under their name sign. The quote read “forget the past & forgive.” I thought about that quote as I finished the drive home and by the time I pulled into the driveway, I had come up with an alternate rendering: “remember the past & forgive.”
   You see, I don’t ever want to forget the past. Erase the past (or even revise it) and you are more likely to repeat the same mistakes in the future, right? Is it possible to learn from our mistakes and make new choices? Is it possible to say: no more, this will not happen again, the buck stops here, the cycle ends with me? I have to believe the answer is yes. My future depends on it. How that happens is still a bit dicey for me, but I’m determined to figure it out.
   Is it more difficult to remember the past & forgive? I think so. I accept what has happened, but that doesn’t mean it was OK. Forgiveness has come in pieces, like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. I’m not there yet, but I can see the picture emerging from the chaos.
   
   What do you think?    

Elizabeth Henderson

Normally, I would have read this post and moved on, but it snagged me with "What do you think?"

Since you asked, Elizabeth, I think that God has gifted you with uncommon wisdom.  (The same is true of Hugh, but don't tell him I said so !)

Considering where you have been and what you have experienced, your grasp of reality is astounding, inspiring and encouraging-- a bright ray of hope to many, I'm sure, as it is to me.  Please keep posting here as you keep discovering and learning.

And buy that six-year-old and her favorite dolly each a cup of tea for me
and send me the tab .

al

[vernecarty]

What do you think?    

Elizabeth Henderson

I think you are one smart cookie Elizabeth.
The happy beneficiary of your assembly experience will be that precious six-year-old.
I left the assemblies while I was still single, but for the primary reason that I was determined to not raise priceless children in an atmosphere as baneful as that place. I am now ashamed and embarrased at the hogwash I spouted to some of my friends who had young children. They were smart enough to reject it as the perversion it truly was, like the sick and soul-stifling mat- training idiocy. God help us!
The wisdom  passed to the next generation in my view makes the hardship we all endured well worth it.
I am personally convinced this is the reason God permitted it...
Verne

[al Hartman]

The wisdom  passed to the next generation in my view makes the hardship we all endured well worth it.
I am personally convinced this is the reason God permitted it...

Amen!  It cannot be repeated too often nor too strongly:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. Rom.8:28 (emphases mine)

The functional relevance of this truth is far broader in scope than we are inclined to realize, factually binding us together within all the body of Christ.  For those who are able and willing, I urge you to consider it within the context of the entire book of Romans, most particularly chapter 8:16-39!

Because of His grace,
al

[Elizabeth H]

Thank you so much for your kind words---although I have a hunch my "wisdom" is over-rated. Just ask my four year old! 

Part of my post Assembly experience has been to sift the chaff from the wheat, if you will. I didn't have the luxury of disappearing into the night (although I dreamed about it many times!), because that would have been like running away from my own skin and bones. Not possible. Rather, I am faced with the rather daunting task of examining the evidence, weighing what was "of God" and what was not, listening to new thoughts and perspectives and learning how to construct a new worldview.

I liked Hugh's point about not dwelling in the past. To be honest, I think my sufferings were nothing compared to what many on this BB have experienced. The first time I started reading the stories (back in '02-'03) I wept for about 2 weeks straight. I have learned so much from just reading what everyone experienced during their various tenures in the Assembly. It has given me perspective, certainly.

I was so broken. The foundation upon which my entire worldview had been built was crumbling all around me. I can honestly say that in that darkest moment, God was there. I can't explain what He was or what He was doing, but He was definitely there. In my journal at the time I describe it as "God holding me up."

If God hadn't been there, well, I don't know what would have happened to me. Utter despair, probably.

What I would like to hear is how others have changed their lives. What helped the most? How does one let go of certain habits of thinking (I don't want to say "thought patterns" because it brings to mind those wretched sin-charts & the selfer's prayer! BLECH!!)....but you know what I mean...how do YOU change the biases?

Hugh: HOW did you choose differently from your parents? What was the process?
Verne & Al: HOW did you get yourself to think differently about things?

Please keep posting, this is helping me! Thank you!

Elizabeth

[vernecarty]

Thank you so much for your kind words---although I have a hunch my "wisdom" is over-rated. Just ask my four year old! 


Verne & Al: HOW did you get yourself to think differently about things?

Please keep posting, this is helping me! Thank you!

Elizabeth

The thing that was of greatest help to me personally was getting into fellowship with spiritually healthy believers.
To my great embarassment, in the assemblies I had acquired the notion that there were godly people nowhere else.
We all know the awful pride and spiritual arrogance that notion bred in all our hearts.
We thought we were spiritually superior.
I still remember my first Christian and Missionary Alliance General Council in Florida.
I stood in that auditorium in stunned silence as scores of spirit-filled and radiant believers serving in every country imaginable gave remarkable testimony about what God was doing.
I remember feeling so ashamed and wondering where I had been all these years.
The evidence before me put the lie to the notion that I was ever anything special; in fact the opposite was true - I was nothing!
God convicted me of many wrong things I believed and had tried to teach others - like chastising my best friend for not mat-training his two delightful little kids who loved to run around like all healthy kids.
I spent many prayerful hours in confession of,  and repentance from my own sin.
The process of recovery continues...will probaly be life-long but God is indeed faithful.
I want to be ever teachable...
Verne

[Recovering Saint]

Hugh: HOW did you choose differently from your parents? What was the process?

Elizabeth

Elizabeth

I went to a program called Alateen which is for Children of Alcoholics. It is sponsored by Al-Anon which is the Adult spouses and friends of Alcoholics. Both Alateen and Al-Anon are based on and cooperate in the conventions held by Alcoholics Anonomous.

The thing I had to learn was that my parents did not have me to blame for their drinking problem. Even if they said it was my fault there was no basis of truth in these statements. I had to learn to realize this and stop reacting to my gut feelings that were conditioned in me from hearing the lies they told me about myself and their personal problems and how to function in normal loving relationships. They distorted the truth so I could not function like normal people function. I had fears that were not normal and I had deep depression at times. I could not understand what was happening and thought I was going to go mad. I would do anything to have my parents love me and respect me but they could not help themselves.

Well Alateen/Al-Anon taught me what common patterns are found in Alcoholic families and they stressed it was quite common for the Alcoholic to transfer their guilt to the children and for the children to accept it and feel guilty. This is hard to break but if you remain in that sitution (living in an Alcoholic home) you will not recover quickly and may never recover at all. You need to find people who have a loving foundation and as you go through flashback moments where you start acting by conditioning you need to let people love you and accept you and tell you it isn't your fault and you are not responsible for another persons actions. Now I know that no Alcoholic looks to become one but they find the alcohol fills a void in their life. They are empty and distressed and have a poor self image and turn to the bottle. If I continued to believe the things I was taught at home about myself I would be ruined in my spirit and would probably have turned to the drink or some other crutch to maintain myself and cope with the dispair. A young girl who is raped may believe she is to blame and she turns to prostitution because she believes she is no better than trash. Who was to blame there not her but she takes the blame and it changes the course of her life and she goes from bad to worse one bad choice at a time.

In the Assembly I got the heavy hand from people who would not allow me to disagree. It was labelled as being unentreatable. In a healthy Church you can have disagreements with others and that is how people learn to adjust things when they need adjustment. Insecure people like my alcoholic parents or a dominant leader in a Church quash all proper discussion to protect their weak ego and turn the blame on the person questioning them. They rally others to help them assault the individual until they either leave or submit.

You hopefully will come to the understanding by being around healthy Christians that there is room for healthy discussion of topics considered taboo in the Assembly. There is also some evaluation of the deny self teaching that is not allowing you to be a whole person that God created you to be. It is normal to express yourself uniquely and although you are a part of the body your gifts and your phsycological wellbeing are important to your growth in Christ. You are special in your entire person. You do not have to change who you are to make yourself like others. The idea of killing the self life is asthetic and is Eastern mystic teaching and not Christian. When you deny self as a Christian you are willing to sacrafice to serve the Lord when it is necessary but not destroy who you are.

People who are comfortable with who they are will not be threatened by you becoming a unique and dynamic individual. That is part of self-esteem and without that you cannot Love your neighbour as yourself because you won't love yourself but rather you loathe who you are and cannot understand true love.

Live and let Live is important. My goal is to make others as fulfilled in Christ as I can and that should be everyone's goal I believe. It is primarily by love and example and not by law and restriction.

Hope that helps a bit.
Hugh

[vernecarty]

Elizabeth

 The idea of killing the self life is asthetic and is Eastern mystic teaching and not Christian. When you deny self as a Christian you are willing to sacrafice to serve the Lord when it is necessary but not destroy who you are.

Hugh

Weighty words my friend. Too many do not realise what a perverted and unholy teaching this is.
The quint-essential  Scriptural methphor of "going he way of the cross" is "not my will, but Thy will be done".
Some generalised notion of denial of self apart from the revealed will of God, is nothing but doctrines of devils, and Paul sternly warns against it.  It is a first century heresy arising out of ascetic dualism and this teaching in particular was used in the assemblies to subjugate and dominate the will of many, and resulted in untold misery.
There are misguided people who would still foist this deviltry upon the free in Christ. God forbid!


 Let no man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holyday, or of the new moon, or of the sabbath days:
  Which are a shadow of things to come; but the body is of Christ.
 Let no man beguile you of your reward in a voluntary humility and worshipping of angels, intruding into those things which he hath not seen, vainly puffed up by his fleshly mind,
 And not holding the Head, from which all the body by joints and bands having nourishment ministered, and knit together, increaseth with the increase of God.
 Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world, are ye subject to ordinances,
 (Touch not; taste not; handle not;
 Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men?
 Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh. Colossians 2: 16-23

[al Hartman]

What I would like to hear is how others have changed their lives. What helped the most? How does one let go of certain habits of thinking (I don't want to say "thought patterns" because it brings to mind those wretched sin-charts & the selfer's prayer! BLECH!!)....but you know what I mean...how do YOU change the biases?

You have struck upon what I consider a major factor in our former imprisonment and our present-and-future recovery, Elizabeth, in the technique you employed above.  Some may be tired of my discussing this, but we were ensnared and held captive by the abusive use of language.  Both scriptural phraseology and plain everyday English terminology were hammered into our minds with twisted, distorted meanings.  It was as effective a brainwashing technique as hypnosis or sleep-deprivation.  In fact, I distinctly recall it involving forms of sleep-deprivation .

Today, there are multitudes of ex-assyites who literally cringe to hear such terms as "thought patterns," "practical application," and dozens, perhaps hundreds, of other perfectly normal phrases that were given specific definitions purely for the purpose of controling the masses (us).  Likewise, we heard grace, peace, mercy and love preached constantly, but in the context of real suppression by dictatorial rule and consistent wrong demands upon our behavior.

By recognizing that certain words and phrases affect us in a knee-jerk manner, and by deliberately overcoming such reactions through reassessing our interpretations of what we hear and say (I'm not kidding: some serious dictionary-reading may be in order!), we can begin to reclaim our possession of our own minds, breaking free of the thought-chains of our former masters.

It is a cruel reality that many former assyites are intimidated, even terrified by the prospect of prayer and/or Bible reading purely out of reaction to the extreme, severe mental conditioning (brainwashing) we underwent.  But the "things" we fear and dread are innocent!  It was the monsters that abused them and us that are guilty of doing harm.  God enabling us (and He can, will and does!), we must reclaim our lives inch-by-inch and ounce-by-ounce.  We didn't become what we eventually were in a flash, and there is no quick-fix for our condition.  Gradually the quicksand of error swallowed us, and only by persistence in our pursuit of knowing Christ personally (as He truly is, not as He was portrayed to us) will we regain the lost ground.  But the effort required in this pursuit is infinitely worth our investment!

Verne & Al: HOW did you get yourself to think differently about things?

I can't ignore this question, but will have to return to it later...

al

[just me]

Liz -

I like Hugh's answer about learning the truth about his situation compared to his parent's verision of the truth (somewhat of a paraphrase I guess)--

What has transformed me the most was going out into the adult world and functioning.  I started graduate school a year ago.  At first I was terrified of failure, that it was the wrong time, the wrong vocation etc.  As time went on I began to be rewarded for my hard work and intelligence.  I discovered who I am intellectually and personality-wise all over again.  The redevelopment of my personality has been the most healing and wonderful thing in my post-assembly experience.  Prior to this I remained in my guilt-ridden, depressed, indecisiveness dependent upon everyone else's opinion, leading, will etc.  Now I consider myself the authority on my life, my field of study and my future.  Isn't that the way it aught to be?  What a relief.

I can't say that I don't ever struggle though.  Especially when my children bring up Christianity and the Bible.  I have no answers for them.  That is the next part of my life I need to come to terms with and I am sure it will be far more unsettling.  Friendships and relationships are also difficult.  We had such superficial and unhealthy relationships.  Now I find myself keeping everyone at arms length and then complaining about how unfriendly they are.  I am definitely messed up there.

I am able to change my ways of thinking about myself, because I can see myself in the true light of my accomplishments, strengths, weaknesses and know that I am not judged by them any longer. What will take longer to change is my views of others, Christians, churches etc.  but in the meantime I a free from self[-doubt and guilt and loving my life.

Hope you are finding the same
me

[Elizabeth H]

To paraphrase (following 'just me''s example)  , would it be safe to say that in order to change my mind and start thinking new thoughts I should try:

1. Setting goals and accomplishing them in the "adult world" or the "real world" (just me & Hugh)

2. Become friends with other Christians who are strong in their faith & actively living it (Al & Verne)

3. Re-learn the language in order to stop having reflexively "allergic" reactions to words like: "Practical application" & "thought patterns." (Al).

This last one will probably be the toughest for me. I still have a love-hate relationship with hymns, for example. On the one hand, I enjoy the "depth" of doctrine in such hymns as "Immortal, Invisible, God only wise" etc.; but then I experience major flashbacks every time I hear them and I want to run around the house screaming and pulling my hair out (kidding!...but you get the picture).

Some Sundays I want to go to church. Most Sundays I don't. I still hold the core beliefs. But I think I've developed an allergy to meetings (or maybe I've always had it since one of my childhood friends reminded me that I used to stay home from a lot of meetings with "stomach aches"!!  )

Any ideas how to deal with these allergies?

Elizabeth

[Recovering Saint]

Elizabeth

All three would help and a lot of prayer.

Being aware of what is "Normal in you and your belief system" is key to knowing what to let go of and say that is not true and saying yes this is good and holding on to that. As you practice letting go of these things that are not true they eventually leave.

To know what is Normal though you need people who are strong and loving Christians and Non-Christians too who can help you see what is the truth both in the Church and out there in the world. I look for those who have a positive attitude and are accomplishing things to better their life and others.

Definitely you need to relearn scripture. But take it slowly. You can pray and ask the Lord to lead you and gradually I found I can read a little here and there and be really blessed by it. When I try a full blown Assembly type morning time I can't help but hear the Assembly interpretation on much of what I read. But that is changing as I listen to the ministry in the Church I go to when they open those passages I listen very carefully to see where my indoctrination lay and where they have seen a more liberating understanding. I also have talked here with different ones and expressed my need to rethink a verse or two and I have been helped alot to see other things. When I do it sticks and I don't fall back to the old way of thinking.

What you believe is what is most important. If you have a distorted belief in God or yourself or others it affects everything you do. At your core you reflect on your beliefs in various areas to give you a sense of stability especially in new untried areas of life. If you are off in your understanding it messes up everything.

So Good people, Good understanding of the words and most of all seeing God's grace and forgiveness over every circumstance. Look for God's goodness and accept His forgiveness and let Him lead you to new friendships in Christ. You will have His leading He promises if you seek Him with all your heart. Don't get mystical or take promises and misapply them. Read scripture in context with the setting and you will get a true meaning then apply that meaning to your life. We really mess ourselves up when we try to go for some ecstatic revelation. God was with you as you said and He let you know it too. That is fabulous. You will make it.

Hugh

[Oscar]

Marcia,

I read the book review.  Looks good.  However there is one aspect I have questions about.  The review says:

Forgiveness of others is a process worked in us by the Holy Spirit, not a once-and-for-all occurrence. Forgiving another does not mean forgetting the offense. When we forgive someone it should not be unconditional or one-sided: “Forgiveness is an invitation to reconciliation, not the blind, cheap granting of it.” The authors go so far as to say that without true repentance on the part of the offender, we should not grant forgiveness. So what is repentance? “Deep, heart-changing acknowledgment of sin and a radical redirection of life.” Glossing over sin and acting as if it never happened is not forgiveness, and is actually a refusal to love the one who has hurt you.

Although I agree with the basic premise that forgiveness is a process dependent upon the Holy Spirit, I definitly do not agree with the idea that you should never forgive people who refuse to admit their wrongdoing or to repent of it.
 
First of all, forgiveness is a command.  I am well aware that we cannot "forgive and forget".  You do not forget pain and suffering, especially if it is the result of injustice and oppression.  Nevertheless, we are commanded to "Forgive, as the Lord forgave you, (Col. 3:13).  Jesus settled the forgiveness issue on the cross.  It was from the cross that he said, "Father, forgive them..."  No one was repenting or sorry for what they had done. In fact, when he said this they were openly mocking him!

But the scriptures do say, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, (Lk. 17:3).  When Jesus said "Father forgive them..." from the cross, no one was acknowledging his Godhood or Messiahship.  No one was repentant either.  This demonstrates his fundamental attitude towards these people.  His attitude towards them was one of forgiveness, and they had fulfilled none of the supposed conditions of forgiveness.

The Luke 17:3 passage is speaking of forgiveness in relationships.  In this context, forgiveness is an invitation to the restoration of fellowship between brethren.  But the basic attitude of forgiveness is already there.  Otherwise, why bother to rebuke the offender.  Why not just reject the jerk and avoid him/her?  A legitimate rebuke presupposes the intention to forgive and restore fellowship.  Otherwise one is just "telling someone off!"

Secondly, forgiveness is a necessity.  It is a necessity for the spiritual/moral/emotional health of the offended party.  If we do not forgive, the offender exercises power over our lives every time we remember the offense.  You cannot forget these events.  If you go back and mull over them, remembering the words and acts, revisiting the feelings and emotions you experienced, you will suffer through it again and again.  Meanwhile, the offender is going merrily about their own life, not thinking of your suffering at all!

People who do this are in bondage plain and simple!  Go back and read about the person called "Ann" that Mark Campbell writes about.  Events that happened years ago, even decades ago  are controlling this poor woman's life!  She is in bondage to the memories of past offenses.  This is very common.  I do not believe that we have to suffer this way.  And I do not believe that we have no control over these feelings.

For years I suffered under regular regular spiritual and emotional abuse by George Geftakys and the men around him.  I was rebuked, criticized, told I was deceived, told I was serving Satan, lied about, had my character assassinated, on and on.  Just today, a brother told me of disparaging comments about me that were said to him in my absence. It was not limited to me.  My family suffered as well.  Not one of these people has ever asked my, or my family's, forgiveness.

Now, what am I to do with this.  Fuss and stew?  Avoid all contact with others so I won't be hurt again?  Give up on all churches and all leaders?  No way Jose'!  My life is a gift from God, renewed every hour, and I am going to live!  I am not going to allow George Geftakys or anyone else to steal my life from me by the constant revisiting of old wrongs.

When I do remember these things, I just have to remind myself: I forgave them, and in so doing I "rolled my burden on the Lord".  I "cast my care upon Him."  I am free, and they must settle matters with my, (and their) lord.   Yes, I can conjure up those feelings anytime I mull over the past.  So I cut the chains of oppression through forgiveness.

I hope this helps someone else.  I know how much it has helped me.

Blessings,

Thomas Maddux

[bystander]

Marcia,

I read the book review.  Looks good.  However there is one aspect I have questions about.  The review says:
Although I agree with the basic premise that forgiveness is a process dependent upon the Holy Spirit, I definitly do not agree with the idea that you should never forgive people who refuse to admit their wrongdoing or to repent of it........

Secondly, forgiveness is a necessity.  It is a necessity for the spiritual/moral/emotional health of the offended party.  If we do not forgive, the offender exercises power over our lives every time we remember the offense.  You cannot forget these events.  If you go back and mull over them, remembering the words and acts, revisiting the feelings and emotions you experienced, you will suffer through it again and again.  Meanwhile, the offender is going merrily about their own life, not thinking of your suffering at all!......



.......For years I suffered under regular regular spiritual and emotional abuse by George Geftakys and the men around him.  I was rebuked, criticized, told I was deceived, told I was serving Satan, lied about, had my character assassinated, on and on.  Just today, a brother told me of disparaging comments about me that were said to him in my absence. It was not limited to me.  My family suffered as well.  Not one of these people has ever asked my, or my family's, forgiveness.

Now, what am I to do with this.  Fuss and stew?  Avoid all contact with others so I won't be hurt again?  Give up on all churches and all leaders?  No way Jose'!  My life is a gift from God, renewed every hour, and I am going to live!  I am not going to allow George Geftakys or anyone else to steal my life from me by the constant revisiting of old wrongs.

When I do remember these things, I just have to remind myself: I forgave them, and in so doing I "rolled my burden on the Lord".  I "cast my care upon Him."  I am free, and they must settle matters with my, (and their) lord.   Yes, I can conjure up those feelings anytime I mull over the past.  So I cut the chains of oppression through forgiveness.

I hope this helps someone else.  I know how much it has helped me.

Blessings,

Thomas Maddux

Tom,

I think you miss the point the author is trying to make. Of course, a book review is not the same as actually reading the book, but even so, the point about forgiveness is that if we neglect "Bold Love," we don't help those who offend us.

On the contrary, we are told to extend real love towards people, especially those who offend us, and doubly so when those people are fellow Christians.  While your current healthy, lighthearted approach to the abuse you suffered under George is good for you and your family, it hasn't served George, or others who have been offended by him very well.  In fact, your "forgiveness" actually allowed George to continue to abuse others for years, while you stood by and didn't protest too loudly.  (I may be wrong about this last statement, so please accept my apology if I have misrepresented you.  I am making this statement based on what I have been able to learn from your own posts.) In any event, a person who walked away from it all, and didn't confront George did nothing to help George, or those whom they left behind when they left.  That is the point of Bold Love.

I don't suppose that you and George are on speaking terms, let alone reconciled.  The point the author is trying to make is that this reconciliation and forgiveness can't take place without rebuke and repentence.  It is the job of the offended to  rebuke, and then forgive...or not, depending on how the offender responds.   

When I do remember these things, I just have to remind myself: I forgave them, and in so doing I "rolled my burden on the Lord".  I "cast my care upon Him."  I am free, and they must settle matters with my, (and their) lord.   Yes, I can conjure up those feelings anytime I mull over the past.  So I cut the chains of oppression through forgiveness.

How much better if you could remember these things and NOT have to get your feelings of anger, betrayal and sadness back under control?  These chains of oppression remain, otherwise you wouldn't be able to conjure up old feelings any time you mull over the past.

What if mulling over the past led you to an amazing story of God's grace?  What if you remembered the abuse you suffered, and how you confronted the abuser, who then repented, and the two of you were reconciled and there was a general clearing of the matter?  That would be amazing.  It is also highly unlikely to take place in your situation, because you have chosen the easy, incomplete way, that only provides for periods of relative comfort in between times of "mulling over the past."  Do you see how this is the only way to truly experience God's forgiveness in this situation?  Never again would you have to "remind yourself," that you forgave them!  Instead, the very thought of the past would lead to to remember a tearful, joyful reconcilliation.  Then, the chains of oppression would actually be gone.  This can't happen with your current model, unless someone else confronts these people and they remember you.  Why not you be the one who does something about it?

I would like to suggest that you contact these people, tell them what they did, and how you feel, and seek reconcilliation with them through real forgiveness.  That is what the authors of Bold Love are trying to say.  Of course, that is a rather bold and daring course of action, is it not?

bystander